sometimes I can
will my fury away
I can
push down my tears
ignore pain
vivisect my shame

I don't know what to do with fear

I feel it
how it clenches at my guts
how it speeds up my heart

it t t twitches in my face
I feel it pulling me apart

I know it is counterproductive
only hurts my chances
I tell myself to calm down

I can't

that only makes me feel more anxious

only makes my breath more shallow
only makes my heart beat faster
only I can help me
but

I can't

this is a disaster

I am too afraid
I am too afraid to trust myself
too afraid to trust the process
too afraid to ask for help

too afraid to ask
but
I need help
is a statement of fact

I need help

I am here
to find out what to do with fear