Ciel Noir: Poems

Apr 14 · 23

Who

Ciel Noir Apr 14

Who

Who am I?
...
...
...
...
...
...
...
...
Who's asking?

Apr 4 · 213

Terror

Ciel Noir Apr 4

Terror

there is danger all around
but we have not been destroyed

bound to this
most perfect stone

we look down
into the void

we know there must be
something more than
what we see

what are we?

an anomaly
a rounding error

we look up

in awe
and terror

Apr 3 · 176

Sometimes

Ciel Noir Apr 3

Sometimes

sometimes I'm still afraid
of being seen
I'd rather be unknown
anonymous
and on my own
and on and on
and all alone

I try
to say I'm not afraid
why lie?
there's no one else
I try
to do things by myself
sometimes I'm still afraid to ask for help

sometimes I play the victim
even when that's only half the truth
sometimes I am the monster
when I cry
sometimes I am the wolf

sometimes I am the dragon
I am strong
I scare my fears away
sometimes I am so brave
only sometimes

sometimes I'm still afraid

Mar 31 · 137

Watch

Ciel Noir Mar 31

Watch

there are things I cannot grasp
long though I reach out my hand
stare at the strange shape of darkness
watch until I understand

Mar 28 · 26

No Horizon

Ciel Noir Mar 28

No Horizon

no boundary
outside the mind

I am the void
there is no
"I"

no horizon
undefined
there is no line

I am the sky

Mar 27 · 145

auch in dich hinein

Ciel Noir Mar 27

auch in dich hinein

the fear of the unknown
is visceral and real for me

unending
cold and empty

I want to understand

Mar 16 · 28

A Thought

Ciel Noir Mar 16

A Thought

how does it feel
to be a thought

to jump across the synapses

fly like a great ape
tree to tree

network to network
bridge to bridge

and when it kills another thought

does it feel guilty
does it mourn

does it want to be remembered
does it remember being born

does it make choices
does it know

when it gets lost
where does it go

does it fade
or turn into code

what waits at the end of the road

to change its way
to change its shape

what does that take

what hope
what faith

maybe it knows
or maybe not

ah well

it was only a thought

Mar 14 · 79

Love Me

Ciel Noir Mar 14

Love Me

do not love me for my face
love me for my ways
my grace

do not love me for my looks
love me for my art
my books

do not love me because I'm young
love me for what I've said and done

love me for something deep
love me
love me for something I can keep

Mar 6 · 127

5

Ciel Noir Mar 6

5

it is strange when I look back
at all the things I chose to say

poems about quantum physics
poems about DNA

I am quite aware that I might
come across a little odd

thinking about thinking
looking at the sky
looking for God

it gives me shivers when I see
the pattern running through it all

staring out into the void
and reaching out behind my walls

strange encrypted souls
building our bridges into the unknown

strange to feel so understood
strange that I am not alone

Feb 5 · 56

Chains

Ciel Noir Feb 5

Chains

a sound like rage
like metal rain
the sound of the dragon
breaking her chains

beneath her wings
the sky in flames
fire in her eyes
as she flies away

Feb 4 · 109

Judgment

Ciel Noir Feb 4

Judgment

King Solomon was wise to know
sometimes there is no compromise
I look into your angry eyes
and I can see your fear

the fear of losing what you love
of being judged
as not enough

my better judgment says
give up
and walk away from here

Jan 18 · 731

Another Name

Ciel Noir Jan 18

Another Name

I know that you are not
"the one"
I know this is not real

It isn't really about you
It's just the way I feel

I tell myself this time is different
this time you are right

But I am chasing the same shadow
through a different night

I never get used to the pain
the pain
the same **** pain

I know you will break the cycle
I know you will break the chain

And tomorrow I will run from you
But it will be the same

The same sorrow
The same pain

Same shadow
Another name

Jan 7 · 120

Walls

Ciel Noir Jan 7

Walls

I wish I had
nothing to hide

I wish I had
nothing to prove

I am alone
behind my walls

I am afraid to love you

what happens if I let you in?
what happens if you see my soul?

vulnerable
not in control

LEAVE ME ALONE

I need my walls

Jan 2 · 201

To Be

Ciel Noir Jan 2

To Be

I am not ashamed
to still be alive

I asked myself the question
and I chose to be

I held on
I was strong
and I survived

every new year
every sunrise
every single time I open my eyes

is another victory

Dec 2023 · 94

One Small Step

Ciel Noir Dec 2023

One Small Step

I know you do not like it
when your friends become assertive

And start to set more boundaries
and to say what we mean

You really didn't like it
when the pawn became the knight

Best turn your head away
before I turn into a queen

Dec 2023 · 102

The Same Sand

Ciel Noir Dec 2023

The Same Sand

is there a land
that lies beyond the sea
are we
the gods that dream
the empty and the entropy
the smoke and mirrors in between

a sandstorm in the hourglass
a thousand tiny little stings
the wind whispers
this too shall pass
the same sand
falls through everything

Nov 2023 · 141

Zugzwang

Ciel Noir Nov 2023

Zugzwang

想
ketawang
vägen var så lång
eitel
idle
every little move's wrong
Zugzwang

ça va
איב
the floor is lava
героям слава
glava mi se spava

Oct 2023 · 1.3k

Only the Good Die Young

Ciel Noir Oct 2023

Only the Good Die Young

They say only the good die young
but I think we have got it switched
the longer you live
the more sins you commit
I think we should learn to forgive

Oct 2023 · 340

Power

Ciel Noir Oct 2023

Power

you only know one kind of strength
armed to the teeth
you call us weak
but take our words for weapons
as if we should be afraid to speak

you want us to be decorations
pretty little flowers
but I know that you would sell your soul
to have a shadow of our power

Oct 2023 · 163

Siren

Ciel Noir Oct 2023

Siren

do you hear the sirens call?
soft and low
on hidden shores

something strange and beautiful
that breaks the silence
of my soul

it echoes
back through space and time
and I refract it
like a diamond

interact
with all that I am

beckon me to worlds unknown

when the world is full of sound and fury
I may turn away
as if it never changed my mind
this melody entombed in time

and still that echo in my soul
comes back to me when I am lost and cold
a candle at the crossroads
when I need to read the signs

Oct 2023 · 78

Reach

Ciel Noir Oct 2023

Reach

I reach out to the ones I love
At least when I am brave enough
But sometimes I am too afraid
Afraid that they will turn away

In questions I reach out my hand
To what I want to understand
But that is more than I can ask
I reach for things I cannot grasp

I reach for what I hope to earn
I work and learn and in return
Reach for the stars
Find out they burn
Another lesson I can learn

And when I fall down from the stars
And when the tree was just too far
I summon all my strength to stand
And once again reach out my hand

Oct 2023 · 124

Echo

Ciel Noir Oct 2023

Echo

subliminal reverberation
of some long-forgotten song
a melody that calls the soul
back to a place we once belonged

darker than night
stranger than time
deeper than tribe
older than words

inflecting language to reflect
an echo of what we have heard

Oct 2023 · 206

Tomorrow

Ciel Noir Oct 2023

Tomorrow

tomorrow will be different
tomorrow I will make the change
those are such easy words to say
tomorrow isn't a real day

Oct 2023 · 94

Conditional

Ciel Noir Oct 2023

Conditional

I judge myself
more harshly than
I would judge anybody else

I made an innocent mistake
so I must not deserve success

I try and try and still I fail
so I am just not good enough

it's hard to build relationships
so I am too broken to love

I try so hard to learn and grow
to do better
to do my best

if I were someone else
it would be easy to forgive myself

and I should love myself
even if I do not seem 'good enough'

to love no matter what
that is the most important kind of love

Oct 2023 · 94

Again

Ciel Noir Oct 2023

Again

hey     again
it's me     again
I did a stupid thing     again
I didn't stop to think     again
I fell and broke my wing     again

hey     again
today     again
I faced the sky and prayed     again
it's not that I believe     again
it's just that I'm afraid     again

hey     again
I'm sad     again
I don't want to pretend     again
so I reach out my hand     again
and get strength from my friends     again

hey     again
I'm fine    again
I think it's time to try     again
I think I'll be alright     again
I'm strong enough to fly    again

Sep 2023 · 172

Read

Ciel Noir Sep 2023

Read

vandalize my mind
with layer over layer of graffiti
I repeat it and repeat it
until no one else can read it

ciphers in my system
speaking in my sleep
ink in my blood

very little still remains
of the blank slate
that I once was

Sep 2023 · 278

Samsara

Ciel Noir Sep 2023

Samsara

flowers flying on the breeze

sunlight dancing through the trees

ripples moving through a stream

strange that this is all a dream

symmetry and synchrony

entropy and empathy

can't believe how real this seems

strange that this is all a dream

Sep 2023 · 87

The Night

Ciel Noir Sep 2023

The Night

O my heart
the night is dark

bless my soul
the night is cold

Look up!
the sky is full of stars

I have never felt such hope

Sep 2023 · 197

Watching

Ciel Noir Sep 2023

Watching

cut my claws
cover my teeth
monster watching
underneath

innocent on the outside
darling
look into my eyes

Sep 2023 · 80

God of Death

Ciel Noir Sep 2023

God of Death

I do not know who or what else
but our god is a god of death
who built us all to stumble
built the Universe itself to crumble

from our viewpoint
we who perceive time
as a moving arrow

ours is a god of falling dice
of falling sand
of falling sparrows

the children of entropy
the stones and trees
the Moon
the sea
the air in every breath
and even we ourselves are born of death

we fear for everything we are
in fear we walk
as fallen stars

tremble before the night beyond
tremble before the face of god

Sep 2023 · 783

Illusion

Ciel Noir Sep 2023

Illusion

some light is reflected
some light shines right through

I am the illusion
of not being you

we see our own soul
and not what really is

we walk in the shadow
of all that exists

Sep 2023 · 132

Mountain

Ciel Noir Sep 2023

Mountain

what happens when your
"good enough"
is just a rainbow you can walk toward
just a star that you can reach for
not a mountain you can climb

and though you reach out in longing
though you walk for miles and miles
the way still leads forever on
the same place in a different time

no matter how much you achieve
it never will be "good enough"
and so you walk away from love
far too afraid to even try

but if you could
forgive yourself
the same way you forgive another
I bet you could climb that mountain
all the way into the sky

Sep 2023 · 134

Night

Ciel Noir Sep 2023

Night

how can we worship time
when it hunts us down like animals?

how can we curse its name
when it brought our world to life?

the way that I perceive it
time is neither good nor evil

it is just as much a part of us
as love and dance and night

Sep 2023 · 290

Alive

Ciel Noir Sep 2023

Alive

they told us you were lost forever
never to come back
I prayed to all the gods to bring you back
I never knew which one to thank

or maybe no one answered
as you crossed over the night
and inch by inch
built your own bridge to life

I am just glad you are alive

Sep 2023 · 114

Scythe

Ciel Noir Sep 2023

Scythe

sometimes I am afraid
to put my thoughts down onto paper
how do I make something normal?
how do I make something good?

afraid what I create
will turn out just as flawed as I am
just as morally ambiguous
as dimly understood

the need to be oblique
about how I'm unique
a freak

tangles the thread of thought so thoroughly
I am afraid to speak

I find
repressing my own mind
and second-guessing every confession

self censorship that slices
like a scythe
into my writing's spine

Sep 2023 · 92

Primordial

Ciel Noir Sep 2023

Primordial

once the Moon filled our horizon
even greater than the Sun

do you think we remember fire
and dragons falling one by one?

a message following along
primordial and wordless song
of Eden where we once belonged

how deep
how long
our river runs

Aug 2023 · 123

How Far

Ciel Noir Aug 2023

How Far

I know where you came from
and I'm not here to judge
I know sometimes the road was hard
sometimes there was no road at all

when you kept walking through that storm
I know how much that took
just take a breath
lay down your head
I see how far you've come

Aug 2023 · 454

Step

Ciel Noir Aug 2023

Step

when I see you
take a step

maybe it's a baby step

but I think it's important that
you took the time
to take that step

I'm here

I see you
taking steps

maybe one forward
and one back

but I forgive you
don't look back

breathe

and take another step

Aug 2023 · 61

Enough

Ciel Noir Aug 2023

Enough

It really hurt my soul
To feel that I was not enough
To know that I was not enough
for you

But I guess no one was

No matter what you do
Nothing will ever be enough for you
Alone
A hungry ghost
I think that's punishment enough

Aug 2023 · 119

Somebody Else

Ciel Noir Aug 2023

Somebody Else

He always wants the best
And thinks that he deserves the best
Even better than the best
You do your best
But then what's next?

You find somebody else
I guess

and in the end
it's for the best

To find a different man
To find someone who doesn't think like that

Aug 2023 · 317

Up

Ciel Noir Aug 2023

Up

I know it in my heart
Even the perfect woman
Could never be enough

Nothing could ever be enough

But to walk away from him
And not give in
And still feel love

Some things are so hard to give up

Not walking
More like climbing up

Jul 2023 · 626

OK

Ciel Noir Jul 2023

OK

I did OK
just OK

that was good enough today

Jun 2023 · 111

Pareidolia

Ciel Noir Jun 2023

Pareidolia

the kind of mind
that organizes
chaos into storylines

the kind of mind
that draws a line
in the sand
and between the stars

the kind of mind
that smashes a kaleidoscope
and cuts itself to ribbons
making sparkling mosaics
from the broken parts

the kind of mind
that asks a question
and then dreams the answer

the kind of mind
that teaches a computer
to make art

the kind of mind
that looks into the sky
and sees an alpha
and an after

everything means something
I can feel it in my heart

Jun 2023 · 105

Horizon

Ciel Noir Jun 2023

Horizon

behold
the Sun is ours again
here where the stars that never set
light up the way back from the West
horizon---with---no---end---in---sight
here where the twilight lasts all night
we stand and watch that eerie light
wander across the northern sky
into the East to rise again

Jun 2023 · 537

Be The One

Ciel Noir Jun 2023

Be The One

sometimes you have to be the one
to reach out your hand in forgiveness
be the one to break the silence
be the one to take that step

though your senses may suggest
that no one dares to be defenseless
no one cares to mend fences
sometimes you have to be the one

Jun 2023 · 82

The Other Shoe

Ciel Noir Jun 2023

The Other Shoe

keep it up
keep on hoping

sleep with one eye open

cause a man that you can steal
is a man that can be stolen

Jun 2023 · 81

Invective

Ciel Noir Jun 2023

Invective

what are you so afraid of?
what are you so afraid I will do?
what are you afraid I will say to you?
pathetic little coward

take your empty pride
and pour your poison and rage and spite in it
dig a hole in your hate and hide in it
you ******* little coward

May 2023 · 79

To Be Loved

Ciel Noir May 2023

To Be Loved

love is a gift
it's not something you earn
it's not something you get
because you deserve

love isn't the validation you dream of
if somebody loves you
it means they can love

love is not a deal
love is not a trade
love cannot be unfelt
love cannot be unmade

love sees through all your faults
love knows you are enough
love is gentle
do not be afraid
to be loved

May 2023 · 245

I Turn Away

Ciel Noir May 2023

I Turn Away

If you have nothing more to say
Why should I stay?
I turn away

If you don't care
Then it is done
And you will never be the one

What do you have to offer me?
I throw you back into the sea

I don't care if you learn
I turn away
And I will not return

May 2023 · 933

Objective

Ciel Noir May 2023

Objective

if I am objective
I have dodged a bullet

and somebody else
can be chained to a liar

if I am objective
this was a step forward

but it was a step
into torture and fire

if I were objective
then I could look further

and see possibilities
come into view

you objectified me
and if I'd been objective

I would have objected
and said no to you