I feel as though I cannot talk about my loss
It feels so taboo
But how am I supposed to spend this Christmas missing you
You wouldn’t be here yet but it feels your already forgotten
I still have nightmares about the day I found out I lost you
Sometimes I sit there minding my business and I feel the pain in my chest
I still have a habit of putting my hands on my tummy to let you know I’m still here
I yearn to continue to protect
I punish myself every day telling myself that it’s somehow my fault you died
Despite doing everything in my power
My body failed me and it lied
You were dead for weeks while i celebrated and was impatient
Watching my false bump grow
For the day id see you big on that screen with your daddy adjacent
Instead I’ve lost you both because the loss turned me into a monster
The grief turned me into someone I don’t even recognise and the mummy you know; I’ve lost her
All I wanted was to be a mother and a wife and it feels like it’ll never happen
The greif came along and killed her like an assassin
I want to find myself again, so daddy can someday love me once more
But my soul since I lost you both has been left so torn
I wish I had died that day I had to say goodbye
So I didn’t have to live this life without you both by my side
I never wanted it to end up like this and I wish I didn’t let me break my spirit
But now all I want is to join you up there with a visit
I miss a face I have never seen and a smile that will never beam
And a child I will only ever get to hold in my heart
I hope I make you proud and I’m sorry I lost your daddy
And I hope that while mummy cannot be there with you to keep you safe
That you are truly happy
I miss you my angel, more than you’ll ever know
While I’m not a religious person I look for you in the sky
I promise I’ll do my best to continue to grow
Until someday I get to call your special spot in heaven my home
I will never stop continuing to fight for me and your father to work out
So we can give you a sibling that can have a piece of you with them
And we can someday talk about you and shout
Until then I hold you in my memories
And keep you in my heart
And soon we will no longer be apart