5 years ago I wrote a poem with the exact title
desperate and hopeless
losing myself and I really don't know who I am

Some years I tried to seek the truth
about why am I like this
what happened to me
where did it go wrong
when did it happened
and who am I?

I seek proper medication
proper healing
burned a whole money bucks
but it worth it

with hundred things to avoid
thousand things to be lessen
some prescription things to be taken

now, today, may 18th
I got to feel the most normal birthday ever
I found her, vividly I saw her
in blue, grey, red, orange, and every dawn
in every scenery
I found her, happy
but maybe still feel a little pain
but at least she could control what she couldn't before
I lover her before
and I lover her after
I love you

it ain't easy

two lessons that I got
to reach out whenever you feel sad
and to be happy in secretive

Jakarta, 18 May 2022.