Is it insanity
to both despise spirituality
and yet fall into dreams of vastness and Gods?

To have cried
and screamed
and thrown the crucifix from my hands
Only to find myself thrown awake
In the middle of the night
still feeling the thick
sticky
blood on my hands?

To have loved science
and knowledge
and fact
But have a Bible given to me from a loved one
that I keep in a drawer
like it's a shameful secret?

To having always felt uncomfortable at church,
but still feeling my skin tingle
like it's going to catch itself on fire?

To believe that God has abandoned us,
or that he never truly existed,
only to carve lines down my throat
with blunt nails
driven to madness
By a spiraling sky
and incomprehensible nightmares?

Is it a mockery
a sin, even
to have been raised by a saintly woman
and still end up
like this?

Is it cruel
to be raised by her
and have her torn from the world
before I would need her the most
and still have to live
knowing I didn't see her last moments
but instead
having her haunt my dreams
with her death?

It must be divine punishment
For past lives
and Future sins
for Fates' strings
and destiny's grip
or everything I've ever done wrong
and more so everything I've done right