I watch the news and see  the world in turmoil
I listen to the cries of my people and my heart
is heavy.  I pray for them.  I ask God to intercede
on their behalf....but

I watch it all and a part of me is disconnected
For me timed stopped when I got the news
"She's gone"  I heard my niece say those words
And yet they would not penetrate, I couldn't
take it in.

It couldn't be....I've been praying so hard for
her recovery.  I have never prayed harder for
anything in my entire life.  She can't be gone
It's a mistake, has to be.....but no, it's true
She's gone.

So for me, everything that has happened since
feels like it's happening to some one else.
Like I'm watching a show or movie and the
protagonist has to keep going even though her
heart is broken to bits.

I know I've done things.  Made decisions, some of them
very important.  I'm planning a memorial for her.
I've been going on but.....it doesn't feel that way.
Hell, I've laughed with my family, I've cooked for them
I've eaten with them, but every night when I lay me down
It doesn't feel like I've done those things at all.

How can I have?  You're not here.  I look over at your
empty bed and I talk to you as if you're in it but you're
not!  So all that eating and laughing and cooking and
cleaning and getting things ready couldn't have happened!
You're not here and nothing is right!

And why does my chest feel like it's caving in?  Am I dying?
No....I'm not but you did!!!  How though?  I prayed so hard!
God is real.  I know this.  I believe this with my whole heart.
So then why?  Why did he say no?

The next second I answer my own question and the
answer is....what does it matter?  It doesn't.  He said no
and that's that.  You're gone and I'm here and I'm trying
God knows I'm trying.  But nothing is right anymore.


I'm frightened that I will never feel again the way I
felt snuggled in bed looking over and seeing you
snuggled up in yours.  I'd drift off listening to
you breathe in sleep and in that moment I was truly
blessed.  And I knew it.  I swear I did.

The same way I know now that nothing will ever be
the same again.  I'll have to figure out my new normal
What ever that is.  The worst part is that feeling that
no matter how hard I try I just can't seem to shake.

I still expect you to show up.  I'm still waiting for you
to walk through the door when I hear a car door slam
outside, but it's always some one else now and even
though I knew it wouldn't be you it's still breaks my
heart into even smaller pieces every single time.

Will that ever go away?  Some how I don't think it will.
Not this time.  Not with you.  You were my everything
My best friend, my teacher, my mother.....my sister.
I feel lost without you.  I miss you more than I thought
I could miss any one.

I want you back.  I know it's selfish as hell, but if I'm
gonna be honest I want you back.  I want you here
beside me.  I wanna laugh with you, cry with you,
be afraid with you, go through hard times with you.
Because nothing is as scary if I have you beside me.

Everything is scary with out you.  Even breathing feels
like a betrayal to you.  I should have stopped breathing when you did but.....God said no.  So I have to keep going.
Even if I don't want to.  I promised I would look after your
girls.  Your beautiful daughters that you gave to me.

And I will.  Even though I'm scared.  Even if I'm broken.
I will help them and your perfectly amazing granddaughter.
She's holding on and I will help her all I can.  I promise.
I guess that's why I'm still here.  For them. So for them
I'll find a way.  A way to live with out you.  But ****...
It hurts.  It hurts more than any thing I've ever had to face.

Most of all....I just really miss you so much.   As much as I love
you, I miss you.  I promise to be  the best person I can be.
I'll give to those in need, I'll forgive when some one hurts me.
I'll love with all my heart that way God will let me see you again.
That's what keeps me going.  That thought.  That one day,
some day....I'll be holding you again.  We'll all be together
again.  Please God let us be together again.