the birds have left you
oh abandoned one
the sea is crying out
for you to come finally
to your senses
abandoned one
childless and native
to the sand
to the gravel

not the molten
or the graying buildings
or the stares of
passerby could
make you feel any less
of who you were

no half moon could heal the wound

and yet you sing
back to him the melody
you were taught
hoping he will listen
and meet you finally
at the cusp of all life
between the horizon
up the hill
he’s laying under a tree
and you walk quietly to him
and see his face coloured
with the reds and yellow of love
you start to cry then
a strong wailing like the canary
who flew away from you
and he listens quietly to your
sorrow
how it ebbs and flows
over the hill and down again
how it grasps
and claws
ringing against the mountains
yet he does not get up to greet you
his face is serene

you quiet at last
and go to sit with him
and finally you are home
here your sorrow swirls
and becomes the yellow
light of the sun
it becomes flowers
that grow between your feet
the branches ivory reaching for your
body
how it wraps around the two of you
the moss growing
and crawling up your cheek

two becomes one
in the gentleness of sleep

and I awoke again
in that ink blue
light
how grief gripped
me like a leviathan
it washed over me
where is my mother?
where is she?
in my panic
I look over and you're there
sleeping
but still as I carefully put my
arm around you as if not to disturb
you
the pain does not leave me
it is a loss that had happened
at birth it seems
I know I will see you
I will see you
and everyone again

I must find my soul
I must merge
with the divine


I see god in you
those mornings
after
don't leave me
your soul and mine
all of ours
must be connected

when I die I will come back to you.

I want you to put your arms
around me, as if I was your world
-you my mother earth
and hold me there forever
your nose buried in my unshorn
hair, your breath matting against my skull
i’d bury my soul into yours
and merge with all the power
of never letting go
just hold me there forever.

can I dream a new dream again?
when I was younger I’d
hate the idea of sleeping with you
the way you’d force me because
you were scared the too old
world would swipe me away
you’d wrap me in your suffocating
cocoon  
I didn’t come out the way you’d dreamed
of
I could never be what you wanted
your hands chasing after
me, feeling the coarse rug beneath my fingers
how’d you make me sleep next to you
because you hated my friends
and hated what I could become
if I snuck out between your fingers
leaving you for a minute

now you barely ask me,
I sit in my room
ears against the wall
waiting for you to ask
me anything at all

can I dream a little more?
mother can you hold me like you used to
can you sing another song
will you take me with you
when you’re  gone?

The summer before this one
the summer before the
last one as well
when you came finally
like Oshun
rising before the destruction
of her people

the summer before this
one
the leaves outside my window
the patio door open
and up on the balcony
I came to greet you
like the dawning of
a new god
stepping gently over
sleeping flowers
as if not to disturb the earth
I danced with you then
the grass kissing our cheeks
the sun lighting
your eyes caramel

life is painful
life is suffering
life is terror
life is the blood
of another being spilt

life is all the things we fail to become

I didn’t tell you then
the summer before
the touch of adolescence faded

rose bushes, ivory fences
summer skies, sweet heavenly
kisses, laughter

how could I destroy it
the terror in the beauty.

and if you were to ask
just once truly how It felt
how it was going
I would blossom in your
hands

and make a puddle of tears
I would slip away from your
fingers

only to come back to cry
my pain again as a cloud


and the mountains
would curse me
and the trees
would rejoice
for ending
their year long drought

yet you are beyond
morality
because you noticed finally
that the trees were swaying
only for you
as they have been since
the universe was created
and yet
everything you did
out of desire
greed, lust, fear
was creating nothing but karma
keeping you stuck in the
cycle of birth and death
lift away the veil
and it’ll all fall away
yet you understand
this and still become
attached
you still become vindictive
that you are right
my rosary
had fallen from my fingers
the day I climbed past
it all

standing on a bridge watching
myself go by.