i haven't left the house

i havent

i haven't left the house for fun in a long time

what is fun?

i could look up the meaning of the word and yet

still not seem to understand it

my heart has dropped in my stomach

a bag of acid

and sunk

and with the movement of swishing enzymes

it has twisted and churned

and poured out any emotion i had left

what's the difference between happy and sad?

sad and angry?

they are all the same to me

at the end of a smile

of a roar

of a tear

my little emotionless heart

is lonely in a bag of acid

and enzymes are twisting and churning

all with efficiency

and my little heart

is just there

for the waves

i am so lonely

but every conversation i have

with anyone but my family

is an inner battle

i will start and end every conversation

my mind drives at 150 miles per hour

and nothing less

and the sound of its roaring engine centres in my head

and lingers in my ears

and even when the conversation end

my mind will continue to echo its roars

for years

i promised myself i wouldn't do this

lock myself inside me

and lose the key

i promised myself i wouldn't do this

throw my body like ****

and expect it not to fight back

i promised myself

i would be happy

2017 has already ****** me up

as it came in

UGHhHuhughuHGughughughugh

i don't even know how to ******* write anymore

something i used to have guarded deep underneath my flesh

blanketed in tissue

laying on bones

has thrown off the covers and is racing in blood

and has just flowed out

with every little slice i make

who knows this

me and me

i used to think i could be a writer

read comments and smile

i used to think i was something

for a whole minute

but my big old mind

slapped me right back into shape

and helped me understand

all of my little hopes were dead

i watched slam poems

read sonnets

who am i kidding

i haven't had a split second for me

so much so I'm mixing science

with poetry

i shut my eyes and see 4 quadrants

and the negative and positive number lines

engraving with a tickle beneath my hair

i see the alimentary canal, the small intestines

forming a headband of flowers around my head

i see atoms bouncing around my limbs

accompanied with hundreds of shells

i see cations and anions

and every thing has to be done

so many things to be done

that i can't sleep

and i wake up late

and the day is half gone

**** what a waste

i will beat myself for the entire day for the hour i spent shut eye's distance away from books

all i can think about is time

and as i write this i glance at my clock every second

1:06 and no one will read this but me

422 words and nobody cares

ill just go through this alone

just like every other rough patch I've ever had

because i push everyone out

and wonder why no one cares

my eyes droop with every little tap on my keyboard

why am i alive

i know so many people who deserve lives

and my name is south of that list

cross my heart and i hope to die

they really weren't telling a lie.