i am planting seeds between tiles on the bathroom floor. fingers bloodied, ceramic grouted dust caked under nails as I dig inch-deep holes into the cracks and place, oh so gently, small dark seeds into the soil of this apartment's skin. i am on my knees praying, i am on my knees planting, i am just on my knees. I use toothpaste to bury them, i caulk them into place with my own ingredients. i take a shower water puddles under my feet and i imagine the seeds drinking it up, gorging themselves on my ***** water. ***** because i haven't showered in days, ***** because i sweat, ***** because i am me, and it has touched my skin. and i imagine that one day i will walk into the bathroom to find a field of blue mums, marigolds, lavender, daisies, and clover bursting up through the seams in the ceramic, staining the walls, reflecting light back onto my skin and i'd feel- god, i don't know- i think i'd feel alive.
i moved to a new apartment where the bathroom walls are painted a bright yellow.