sadness is my drug
when happiness is too much effort
too much to pay for
too easy to give up.
i inject you to feel something-
really, anything.
because you're the easiest thing to feel.
sometimes i want you.
i want to feel sadness to see how far i can go without you being too permanent,
without you flooding my system for too long.
but i know no limits,
so there is no "too long"
there is no "too much"
and there never has been.
so i acquiesce to your slowdance
i yield to the malediction that is you.
try to read your esoteric scriptures,
the ones that scream my name
begging me to sign my soul away to you.
you fetter me, like a hostage in my own body
and i let you.
it's easy to let you, especially when you enamor me with pretty words and bitter thoughts
a veneer of gentility and grace, false euphoria beyond my own belief.
stoicism was something i once valued,
but now i'll do anything to feel anything.