I’ve spent endless nights tossing my body back and forth
Wrestling with my bedsheets
Dreading to unload all my burdens from my brain
Though I know it’s what I need to thrive in my new universe
My river of sentences run dry every time your face meets mine
I feel every bone in my body grow stiff
Paralyzed with fear
Fear that you may once again lunge at me with your sharp tongue
Piercing me with another agonizing betrayal
Leaving me in a pool of my own emptiness
for half my life, my mind has been in survival mode
Always slipping on eggshells
Horrified of what your waterfall of words will drench me with next
I’ve kept my lips glued
For if I were to fend off your Battalion of abuse
I would be shattered into a million pieces
But somehow, my words slip out better in prose
So maybe I should bring you onto my battlefield
And divulge the overwhelming burden your actions have placed upon my shoulders.

You’ve always had this perfect picture of my childhood conjured up in your warped mind
A ****** up fictional fairytale
But it’s time I popped your narcissistic bubble and enlighten you with the truth

Can you recall the day I stopped being girl wonder in your eyes and transformed into the problem child?
Because I can still feel the wave of pain radiate through my spine
As you shoved me to the ground in a blind rage over grades
I can still feel the stinging on my scalp
As I was dragged across the sandpaper carpet by every follicle on my head when I couldn’t give you the right answers
I can still feel the rug burn on my knees
As I was thrusted to my feet and struck in the face with a piece of paper
That would become worthless to you in a month
Did it feel good to you to terrorize your twelve year old?
As if a number on a paper meant more to you than the scars you were leaving behind?
That frenzied look in your eyes will always be engraved into mine
For it was the first time I cowered in distress from the one person who was meant to keep me safe.

Can you recall the moment you cast a shadow over me as I was choking on my own air?
My mind can still picture the smug smile on your lips as you uttered the word “pathetic”.
I get goosebumps on my arms from where your claws wrapped around me to yank me from solid ground
Your mocking laugh still echoes in my ear
Did it make you feel powerful to stand over me and cackle as I was desperately struggling to keep afloat in a raging tsunami of anxiety?


Let’s turn now to high school
The most impactful years of a child's life
When their confidence is as fragile as glass
You locked eyes with me and forever tainted my eardrums with these words:
“Sometimes I feel like your brother is my only real child”
I can recall the very second those syllables registered in my brain
it was as if you had snuffed out the flame of what little embers of self worth I had left
And I was thoroughly convinced that I no longer belonged in this world.
For how could I ever have a purpose when the woman who brought me to this Earth now regretted my existence?

Now this is not your full roster of misdeeds
For there are hundreds, maybe thousands of verbal assaults on my psyche that play on a loop in my mind every single night
And it has taken years to undo even a little of the damage you brought upon me
But when I look into your cold hazel eyes I will always see the avalanche of hurt you have caused
The countless days I locked myself in the bathroom praying that you wouldn’t get in
Every quickened breath I took and every time my body shook with terror
Every heart wrenching phrase that rings in my eardrums every second of the day
Every nightmare, every flashback
Every time I thought about dying
Every moment I spent wanting to end my existence when I thought my own mother wished the same
And maybe one day I’ll learn to forgive all of these things
But I know my brain and my body would never let me forget.