His touch clings to me
like spider webs
a tickling irritation.

When I’m stressed -
I wake up -
Fighting him off.
My body remembering his careful violence.

My mind branding over new lovers
with his fingerprints.

Want to mutilate my brain
shed this skin who recalls him
so easily.

No unconscious memories
of other touches
from anyone but him.

I will never forgive or forget.
Condition away this conditioned response.

When will I be free?
Of a man who doesn’t remember me.
--
I see his features in other men.
That gorgeous corn silk blond hair,
the strong, masculine jaw
even the cuteness of his ears.

Somehow that tugs at my heartstrings
The twinging pain disgusts  me.
How can I still feel this way?

I want to puke up this venom.
The vitriol burning my mouth.
Exorcise the malicious spirit
that wails in my ear
when I see

YOU.

Or someone who almost looks like you.

My teeth sunk deep in anger.
You foolish, reckless girl - how could you let this happen?
How could you let him do this to you?

How can I forgive myself?
I don’t know how to.
My forgiveness will never be hinged to him.
He will never earn it.

I want to forgive myself.
My naivety, my hope, my lust.
I went in search of affection and base needs of physical touch
Repulsed by his violating me.

Leave me alone, leave me alone, leave me alone
let me go, let me go, let me go.

I’m sorry to me for what I didn’t know would happen.
I’m sorry to me that I still blame myself for my violation.
I’m sorry to me how this trauma has burned me so deeply.
How I wish the salve of time and journaling would heal me completely.

I’m sorry to me that I still can’t quite let go.
How he still follows me around - at least metaphorically.
I want my forgiveness.