it’s been so long since i have seen you
we fill the awkward spaces of silence with random talk
or mean stabs, and old memories, or inside jokes we have forged into our deep memory. your promises are honey to ears.
they soothe and fill every crack i’ve had
on my skin, on my heart
every surface is yearning for your touch
like a firework needing the lighter
i cannot control myself around you
you make me an utter chaos of lip biting
of face scratching, of leg bouncing, of nail biting, of fidgeting with my earring
and then you leave so abruptly
there i am, in my bed
protected by a wall of pillows to block out all of the world
blocking out every knock on my door or stomach growl
wanting one thing in the world will not make it come true
wishful thinking will be the death of me
and so i lay here in my fortress of sheets to die
with the thought of you coming through the door on replay.
i crave your voice right now
telling me everything will work out
just say it, baby. just tell me once.
should not i be ready to let go of you
ready to be the independent fire my friends know me as
ready to stop hating myself to the core for not living out what i believe in
ready to stop knowing myself as only a hypocrite.
this hurts because i am constantly stuck
in the middle of the push and the pull
my arms and legs going in different directions
my head and my heart at war
but the rest of me stays stagnant
watching, waiting, listening.
sitting on a step and people watching
watching faces i do not recognize or wish to know walk past
hoping i’ll catch a glimpse of you in one
or hoping you’ll pass by and notice me
so i stay here.
i will stay and i will wait forever for you.