6 years old
loves barbies
plays outside
learning to ride a bike
shes getting taller

9 years old
loves chapstick flavors
walks outside
rides her bike everywhere
she is the tallest in her class

14 years old
loves mascara
runs outside to burn off the cupcake
bike sits alone
she is the biggest in her class

16 years old
loves black
runs lines down her arms, she doesnt see the sun
she drives around for hours thinking about everything but nothing
she is shrinking

18 years old
loves loneliness
runs and runs and runs from herself
she drives around hoping that she will be strong enough to make it home
she is breaking
slowly

20 years old
loves skipping meals
goes running until she feels like she's going to pass out, then runs another mile
she drives around thinking about her suicide attempt and thinks about heading home
she doesn't even know if home is a place or a feeling or if its real
lines going up her thigh now because she found out that wrists make people worry

23 years old
loves medicine and **** and alcohol
goes running and then to work and then tries to sleep but never can
so she turns on phoebe bridgers and goes on a drive at 3am
she decided that home was a place on her childhood roof looking at the stars but her parents sold the house
she got a tattoo instead of making her own scars because if she’s going to be in pain anyways someone might as well make art out of it-
but she found the tattoo didn’t hurt her at all so the grid on her thigh came back anyways.

people don't understand
the process of self destruction
it started a long time ago
and it will never end
until she does.