I CAN'T TELL IF I'M MANIC OR DEPRESSED BECAUSE I WANT TO **** MYSELF TONIGHT

OR CURL UP ON THE FLOOR AND NEVER GET BACK UP AGAIN

OR DRIVE 108 MPH EXACTLY WHILE BLARING ALL THE SONGS YOU HATED HEARING FROM MY STEREO UPSTAIRS AND SCREAM AT THE TOP OF MY LUNGS UNTIL MY THROAT IS SO RAW AND MY VOICE SO HOARSE YOU WON'T EVEN RECOGNIZE IT WHEN I'M BEGGING YOU TO COME BACK

****
BECAUSE NOTHING HURTS LIKE THIS DOES

THE SPLIT OPEN RIB CAGE IS ALMOST A COMFORT BECAUSE AT LEAST THEN I MIGHT BE ABLE TO STUFF THIS GAPING WHOLE IN MY CHEST

SIX SHOTS OF NARCAN AND SHAKING WITHDRAWS TASTES ALMOST AS SWEET AS THE SHOT THAT KILLED ME
or the shot that left me lying unconscious for three days while the cancer killed you..

OR WAS IT THE PILLS THAT FINALLY TOOK YOU FROM ME?
I GUESS I REALLY COULDN'T SAY SINCE I WAS NEVER THERE

i use to see you in my dreams, Ma
i use to remember the way your hair smelled

ISN'T IT ******* PATHETIC I WON'T EVEN GO TO THE SAME STORES NOW
TOO AFRAID OF RUNNING INTO YOUR GHOST
even though i swear i'm struggling trying to find a place where i can feel you

i use to remember the way your voice sounded
AND I HATE MYSELF FOR DELETING ALL THE VOICEMAILS YOU EVER LEFT ME
AND THE TEXTS THAT SAID YOU ONLY WANTED ME TO MAKE IT HOME

YOU NEVER ASKED ME FOR ANYTHING BUT TO KEEP YOUR BABY SAFE
AND AREN'T I SO SICK FOR BEING TOO SELFISH TO EVEN DO THAT

instead i sat next to your hospital bed
TOO HIGH TO STAND BY YOU ANYMORE

i can't tell which half of bipolar this is
because i want to **** myself tonight
and you're not even here

to stop me