There are many things I want to say to you.
Many things I decided to not say.
Many things I have lied about, and blatantly ignored.
Tonight, as I sit alone, in a place I hate
Just drunk enough to hurt, but not enough to go running to you,
I am going to say them.
Tonight, In this poem, I will say what I need to say.
First and foremost: I Love you.
Captain, I love you.
You watched me struggle on these words.
I choked on the truth, and you were there.
You begged me to not love you that way.
You asked me what I meant.
We both know what I meant.
It hurt me so much, when you begged me to not love you that way.
I thought I could love you the way you wanted.
I want to love you the way you want me to.
I can't.
Captain, I am helplessly and completely in love with you.
I love you, and I am in Love with you.
Capital L love.
The kind of love that people dream about.
The kind of love that everyone wants to find.
The kind of love that made me feel.
The kind of love that made me not run from feelings.
the same kind of love that made me return to where I am now.
In a very bad place, to confront things I wanted to run from.
The only reason I am here because I love you more than I care about me.
I realize how dumb and stupid that is.
I don't care.
Captain, I love you so much.
I didn't realize how much,
until you walked out that door.
that last minute together, after all we had been through that week.
When you hugged me
Said "see ya, failure!" and walked on out.
I knew then and there what I wanted to do.
Instead I sat back down, and thought about how much I would miss you.
I wanted to run out after you
Yell the truth at you, as you walked away,
towards your friends as you left me for two weeks.
Yell that I love you, that it is the way you hate.
the way you weren't ready for.
I wanted to run after you and kiss you.
I did not, because I didn't want to hurt you.
I missed you before you left.
I missed the you that sat in your room one Saturday night
and without saying a thing to me sobbed into my shoulder
I dont miss the crying, I miss the you that I held.
The you that fell asleep on me in your car.
The you that would drag me out into the cold and the snow
Just because one of us needed to talk about feelings.
I missed the you that invited me into your room Sunday morning
And held my hand as you cried,
and then made it out of bed, only to end up curled against me.
Leaning on my chest as I held you, and told you again and again that I love you.
The you that, in that situation, said you loved me too,
but only because I didn't want anything more from you.
I do want more.
There are two reasons I didn't tell you.
One: you said yourself you weren't going to be in a relationship for a very long time.
Two: I was afraid that I would lose you over something I wasn't sure of.

I have missed you every single day we have been apart.
It hurts a little bit more every day.

You want to know what hurts me even more Captain?
What you did to me yesterday.
After I told you I loved you,
After you begged me to not love you that way,
After you said you weren't going to date for a long time.
After you said you really missed me.
You decided to start dating him.
Without ever even telling me anything.
You decided to start dating him.
instead of telling me you told me I had to go deal with your roommate because she was upset about what you did.  
Because you didn't want to deal with her.
You broke my heart over a text message, telling me to go take care of your roommate.
You are the only person I have ever loved, and you knew that.
You knew how I felt. and you ripped out my still beating heart, held it in front of you, and then tore it in half.
I cried.
I cried over you.
I cried because I loved you.
It hurt me so badly.
I cried to our friends.
I was so distraught that I could not go on.
And I still didn't tell them about you.
What you had done.
Because I still love you.
I put all of the blame, all of the reason I am where I am now. On me
It isn't on me.
You broke my heart.
You showed me I still had one.
You showed me how to care, and how to feel.
You did all that, and then you broke it.
And I am still mad at myself for it.
I hate myself for wanting you.