I am an afterthought
Last to be chosen, last to be wanted
Last to be loved.
Maybe I’m just too damaged to be held by a human heart.
Maybe I don’t deserve to be.
I’m a chameleon. I will be whatever you want me to be-
I will do anything just to know you care
I will make myself a carbon copy
Of whatever skin you crave
As long as you love me.
But you won’t, and you can’t.
And I don’t blame you.
And I’m sorry.
I’m sorry I’m like this.
I’m sorry I don’t know how to love the right way and I am clingy and needy and somehow still emotionally unavailable.
I’m sorry I needed you.
I’m sorry I ever needed anyone
And if I could choose one part of me to bury deep it would be my heart
Because it will always give one hundred and ten percent
And then be confused when it only receives twenty back.
It’s always asking me why
“Why am I alone?”
“Why am I broken?”
“Why can’t I trust?”
“Why do you give me away so easily?”
And I hardly know how to answer
So I block out my own pain
And I will smile until my mouth is stuck that way
If it means no one will ever see me this broken
And yet
I want to be seen.
I want to be seen and loved.
But does any chameleon know its true form?
Maybe they do.
Maybe I’m the only one searching for colors to fit my skin.
I’ve been smacking on pieces of other people
And hoping to find a piece that fits
But the more I take from others the less I know myself
How can you love what you don’t know?
How can anyone?
A person that’s always changing can never have a stable love
My husband will wake up next to me one day
And wonder who I am
And I won’t be able to tell him.
Or maybe it won’t get that far.
Maybe I’ll be alone and wake up one day
Realizing that I am faded
And that I no longer want to be here.
If I ever will.
Or maybe one day
I just won’t wake up.