once upon a time i thought pain would disappear if i ignored it,
i called emotions dramatic, and numbness strength-
blocking memories chasing fantasies sinking deeper into insanity
insanity became my paradise- i was safe there
from all my regrets, all of my shame, i could forget
at first i felt in control
then i didn’t feel a thing
and my heart started to sing
a song of silence, numbness overtook my life my memory my love all I had inside
everything i wanted i could not find
underwater, on autopilot i couldn’t find the switch
it happened like this:
step one:
i gave my heart away,
he stomped on it,
and him, and him, and him, and him, and him, and him too
step two:
i fell into a pattern
and a few different vicious cycles
a piece here- a piece there, i gave away my soul
my heart and my mind were nothing but tools in all the wrong hands
by this time all i had was worthless to me,
abusing and being abused not one of us cared,
about a thing but ourselves I was constantly scared
what i saw through blank stares occupied most of my mind
using hearts and bodies as a way pass time
i offered distraction to those who gave it to me,
my distraction and my distractions were never enough
step three
i aimed a little higher-
trying to save everyone else though i couldn’t save myself
nothing was enough especially not my help
“the mess tries to clean up everyone else
what a joke, she can’t even help herself! "
searching for hope in a hopeless world
crafting happiness through optimistic words-
holding onto feelings of elation in a fallen creation  
hope, hopeless, hope, hopeless,
a roller coaster of numbed out watered down emotion and reality - cycles of pretending that I was not broken or that i knew a thing
chasing freedom not knowing what to call it
Not knowing He had a name
Chasing truth without being sure there even was one
Never heard of grace for my shame
Step four
I heard it
For the first time
I heard Him
But I still did the same thing
See I got it all in my head,
I knew it jesus saved me from the dead
But all the pain that was in me, I was like "you can't have THAT."
My numbness is what I held on to,
It wasn't until I said father help me give it all to you
step 5
like to a counselor i poured out my heart
all of my pain i fell apart
screaming about how bad it hurt
screaming and crying and shaking my fist
about wounds i thought were long healed,
i didn’t know until i spoke the words to my savior
there was still so much in me i didn’t wanna feel
but the father of all comfort spoke in ways i didn’t know he could
told me he loved me and would never hurt me or lie
that he was with me the entire time
i went from crying to smiling
laughing in joy
that the god of the universe didn’t see me as some toy
that he cared enough to reach down into the depths of my heart
and heal the things that were buried under layers of rock
and it made me question why i ever held anything back
step 6
turning to him instead of running from pain
i’m still learning and crawling my way
towards this love i need to know more about
the one with the fountains of living water poured out for me,
an outstretched arm, an ear waiting to listen
to the things that i don’t want to mention
and i’ve come to know my depression
is nothing more than running in the wrong direction.