I don’t think it actually steamed of anything, just born with it. Though the more consciousness I gained, the stronger it became. Some types of people highlighted more of it. Some stream of threads sparked stronger insecurities. It’s really no one’s fault. It would prevent genuine feelings to come out or the ability to articulate it. It allows tremendously jealous, angst, wasting time. It gave permission not to permit actual life experience. Suffered thoughts, I emelish and I think I am completely severed from everyone. Leaving me unfilled and always lost in thought.

Never learnt or taught myself to sit back, oserve, that its okay in a humble way internalize reactions, hostile to life, everyone I love I seem to do wrong by, leave me alone, leave me lonely, two extremes, everyone I dislike, I give love, I want everything or nothing at all, rub my tummy than tell someone, waiting patiently to be catching me slipping.

Why I’m quitting. Recently, over the last few months, I’ve been peddling interest in others, a product that never improves, causes depression and gives false allusion, but there's money in it. I know it wasn’t good for me, but I couldn’t stop myself. Now, in saden times, I’m relieved. Advertising is based on thing, happiness. Happiness to the external, to which cannot be touched or owned, it can be seen though. Everyone is born without permission, it’s the same with dying. The subconscious is more likely just yearning for freedom without fear, worry, insecurity. Since creation, humanity has searched for deities. Or at least immortality here on earth.

If the environment, the peers, the family, job, whatever is fulfilling, dropping a bunch of rules on you, you’re there for them, stop asking for change, to meet halfway, trust me, reality is indifferent, one can only change themselves, it’s not on anything I just mentioned. In modern times where, hard work, originality, developing oneself isn’t valued. All my life, I hustled all night. Here is a small list flaws that I am unable to shake alone. Insecurity, clingy, desperation for genuine people, praise for artistic works, a penchant to dramatics, impulse, reacting. And when I find someone who is generally who I am looking for, it’s heavily sparked, like my issues with addiction, I can’t stop until it’s burnt.

As for the those are, well, they’ll do anything to be by your side, cause they said anything to do so and often, it’s justifications for the wrong they do. People often tell one narrative, so you can avoid noticing who they are actually.

Change doesn’t come from the outside. No matter how much good one can contribute. No matter the glittering allure, the sentimental engagement, at times, it’s best to let go and forget, move or charge forward. The dead get tonnes of flowers cause of regret. But for those who know to some degree, might even encourage to take my own advice here. I have. There’s twinge in my heart and those who’ll end up saying something, more likely are unable to put in effort to change themselves. Afterall, it’s harder, harsher, more challenging, hellish than the daily pain they experience in their daily life. It’s shocking to how much one can change.