not punishing myself for having emotions but forcing myself not to

so sensitive- a sticky gooey bleeding heart

like a licked melted lollipop,
my heart weighs in my chest

my source of conscience

and also guilt

I cant decide if I can go on being so open

I don't want to lose my compassion but I don't want to die keeping it

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can I keep one thing to myself

is it so hard to be happy with just knowing myself

I find joy in giving and sharing but not in receiving and keeping
-that is going to hurt me one day

it seems as though I cannot find any answers within myself

is that so hard to do

answer one question about myself

even the important one

who am I

the street lamp shines on the pavement in my mind

and I watch through my window

wishing I could share the view with someone else

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who could ever love someone who is so unsure of herself

and so sensitive

I'm so sensitive

I fear real emotional commitment

why cant I just untie the knot in my chest

when did I tie it in the first place

I plead it to loosen

bleeding fingers prying back the ribbon

but it is too tight

and it has been there so long that the fabric folds in on itself at each curve

almost as if its a ball of ice

but for it to be ice it would have to be cold

and my chest roasts under a fire of emotion that is constantly stoked

so the ice would surely melt

I don't want an empty cavern with cobwebs and stalagmites frozen, reaching up for a heart that disappeared long ago

but I cannot handler the fire in my stomach burning the lining of my chest and climbing up my throat
using the cartilage rings in my esophagus as a ladder to my head