2018 was one of the most emotional years from me
trying to cope with friends leaving me
Anxiety & depression got the best of me
but still God sees the best in me
I had my brother visit me in my sleep
but I don’t even know what it means
I could see his face but I couldn’t touch em
& it broke me to see em fade away after I tried to hug me
I woke in tears, feeling like I let em down
cause I’m trying to be with him even though it’s not my time go
So much anger & sadness inside of me but no one to express to
with my anxiety tells me “Dre no one cares for you”
So I spend most of my nights pacing back & forth in my room
closing my eyes hoping I’ll get that next phase soon
Mental meds & pain pills lay next to my bed so I contemplate an overdose
but who I am to take myself away from those who love me most
I see that man I’m supposed to be but becoming him is what scares me
cause the person I’m leaving just doesn’t compare to me
Some tell me to go back to my roots but those roots don’t exist me
& the family that I used to know aren’t the same folks to me
Truth is, I’m not happy but I don’t think I ever was
I’m just a sadder version of the person that the old me was
I tell my mom I’m okay cause I can’t tell her I wanna die sometimes
knowing that my heart can’t take seeing her cry
I can’t make her bury her baby boy, I’m supposed to be the soldier
I’m supposed to be the angel bringing us closer
But how can one be the one if the one is shattered
barely hanging on by a thread, feeling life ending faster
I’m a blessing to many but not even a blessing to oneself
loving everyone else more than I could ever love myself
Trying to be everyone’s hero while neglecting myself
Saving everyone else from their storms & slowly killing myself
I lost myself helping others now I’m losing everyone finding myself
I guess when it all boils down, all you ever have is yourself
If crying is the closest thing to Godliness, will it be the key to my happiness?
If I come to terms with my demons, will it cure my paranoia & sleeplessness?
I’m tired of the frustration, tired of the depression
Tired of the struggle, tired of the aggression
Tired of fake smiling, tired of not being to cry
Tired of having all the questions but no one can tell me why
Tell me why I’m eager to fly. Tell me why I’m eager to die
Tell me why I can’t find peace. Tell me why I’m act happy when it’s all a lie
A lot of enemies surround me & I can’t tell who’s actually an ally
I’m losing myself, I can no longer lie
All I ever do is fail, why must I continue to try
My tears will set me free but my pride won’t let it go
-Poetic Venom