Things you won't hear from God:

- I'm sorry we are experiencing a higher number of calls than usual. 
You may wish to call back later.

- All of our operators are dealing with other petitioners.  We will be with you as soon as someone becomes available.

- Your call is important to us, please wait or alternatively go to our website at www dot onbendedknee (all one word) dot GOD dot heaven, where you will find lots of useful information. 

- Listen carefully to the following options. 
Press 1 if you are the desperate parent of a child under one.  
Press 2 for all other requests.

- I'm sorry, I'm not sure I understood that.  Did you say, "HEEELLLPP!!!"? 

- Our office is now closed. Our operating hours are from 9 am to 5 pm. Thank you for calling. 

Things you will hear from God:

"Welcome.  I've been expecting you. What's on your heart?"