Meltdown after meltdown
I'm a mess and they know
The worst of me is always last to show
And it was a matter of minutes
Before he saw, so.

Even back then, I knew
Love takes work, it's worth it
But all I wanted was to hide
And for him to be
happier.

Now, I wish I could be like everyone
Everyone who knows how to love
Like my brother and parents and him
Because I loved him
I love him still
But sometimes,
I'm not sure if that's enough
I'm not sure if the way I love
Is worth much.

I'm not sure if love is magic
I think it's a choice
And I think I choose to love him
From a distance
Yet I missed him
From sundown to dawn
Again.

Ducking out of the tropics
And back to the tundra
Is what I've always done
When the sun gets too bright
Too hot, too fast
And last time the world froze,
I was afraid we'd never thaw
I was afraid I was heartless
But his memory reminds me
I must have heart,
Right?

For, something is wondering
Something is wishing
Something is wanting
And I don't understand, but
I miss his eyes and his hands
And his voice
And his smile
And his jokes
And his cats
And his coat
And his mother
And music
And hair
And hell
I don't even know
I just want him to be happy.

I just hope he's always happy.
And never cold.