You're sitting at the beach,
The waves tickling your feet
As you cry and tremble and weep.
You've suffered before, but not
Like this, this back and forth
Ripping and pounding at your
Chest, as the rest of the world,
The sea, the seagulls, the fuzzy
White furls of the ships in the
Distance, the wood of the pier
Cracking, the people on the
Pier smiling and laughing,
All of it swims around you
As you struggle to breathe.
Jack came over earlier and
Told you "We've been through
Since last June, we just didn't
Have the guts to admit it
To each other." You wish you
Had a bottle of wine in your hand.
You wish some prince or even
Some homely fella', with a
Star Trek shirt and a slightly
Unkempt beard and a goofy
Chuckle would come across
You and offer to hug you,
With that slight stench of beer a
Welcoming sign that he might
Invite you to have some more.
Anything but another Jack.
Anything but Jack. Jack had been
A prize, a gift, a jewel.
Jack had filled your time
And space, and the history is
Playing over and over in your
Head, and you're trying to erase
The asterisk next to each scene
And clip in this tangled up
And knotted movie. Jack wanted
You. Jack wanted you and you
Still want him, and you wish
You could have felt him when
You had the chance. Felt
His soul when he stood up
For what he believed in,
Felt his tears when he cried
His heart out, felt his trembling
Hands in yours when he
Said his first "I love you,"
Felt his scar from the car
Accident that he said you
Helped him get through, felt
His warm body against you
And inside you and his hot
Breath and kisses on your lips
As your hips wrestled, felt his
Pain that he was ashamed of
But felt brave enough to
Share it with you. All of it.
You wish you could have felt
Him when you had the chance.
But you didn't, because you
Couldn't, and eventually he
Felt that same way about you.
You couldn't feel him when
You were there. You were there,
But you weren't really there.
And now you're waiting for
The tide to kick in, with
Images of being taken in
Slithering in and out of
Your imagination. You want
To shout out loud but you
Don't want anyone to look,
And you try to squeeze
Your ears together so
You don't have to hear,
Though you only end up
Hearing more, and you
Close your eyes tightly so
You don't have to see,
Though you only see more.
In your core you're burning up,
And waves of tears keep
Oscillating from within you.
There's nothing more for you.
This is you and who you
Are. How could you ever love
Someone if you could never
Really feel them? How would
You ever let them love you
If you will never let them
Feel you? Feel your pain
When your steel container
Of a heart cracks and
They can see all the shame that
You've buried and held in there,
Feel your fingernails running
Through their hair and up
And down their back as
They feel you tighten and implode
With them, feel the scars on
Your arms from all the harm
You've put yourself through,
Feel your trembling body
In the cold and hug and kiss
And love you back to health,
Feel when you need to cry but
That old voice screams at
You to hold it in because
You can't let anyone in through
That door, feel you when you
Stand up and say you
Have to go when really
You want to stay but you
Need to go. Need to go
To the beach and sit in
A heap of sand until the
Tide washes you away.
Takes you away from this
Place and all it wants
To take from you. And then
A homely dude with a
Star Wars shirt and
Unkempt hair asks "Hey,
Are you okay over there?"
"Yes, yes, I'm fine," you
Reply. "You sure?" "Yes,
I'm sure, I'm fine. Just had
A bad day. Thanks, though,
By the way." "Sure, no prob.
Have a goodnight. Hope you
Feel better." "Thanks. Goodnight."
And you get up and leave,
Walking to your car, wiping
Sand off your hands and
Your **** and legs, and
Start the car. You head
For home. You have to pick
Up your clothes from the
Cleaners tomorrow.