Went down to the water to forgive myself
To shed myself
The ocean plays at my ankles
My past spills at my feet
Swirls in the sea foam
Turns the water black
Memories pierce my heart
Can feel the air rush through the holes they leave
How will I repair them?
The waves are consistent like my flashbacks
Always waiting for a pause of calm
"We're here"
They say
"We remember."

I step further into the water
I am knee-deep now
It's harder to catch my breath
The holes are swelling
Childlike innocence seeps out of my ears
Runs down my spine
Gushes at my feet

I feel faint
My knees buckle and I sink into the sand
Water rushes through my midsection
It's warm
Reminds me of your hands
I steady myself

"We're too heavy for you to float"
They say
"You must let us go"
But I don't know how
How can I let go of what almost killed me
How can I forget what you did
How do I honour my nightmares
How do I not
They've kept me warm
They're familiar
Wrapped around my neck while I sleep
I'll be cold without them

The water is past my rib cage now
I'm sinking
Do it now
Do it now
I don't know how
But I know I must
I reach for the cavern in my chest
Start pulling out my insides
They've rotted from when you had taken root at the base of my skull
I toss them into the rolling waves
Fistfuls of my rage
Heartbreak
Memories of your gaze
They do not deserve daylight
"What will you do without us?"
They chorus
"I will carry on"
I bellow
"I will carry on without you!"

I watch them drift away
In and out
In and out
To shore to sea
To shore to sea

I don't know when but I have arrived back on my feet
The waves are still there
Soothing my ankles
Back and forth
Back and forth
Like your old rocking chair
The ocean consoles me as I gently weep
"You did it"
"It's over now"
It whispers
Sunlight dances on the surface
Reflects into my bare lungs
Begins to warm my insides
Repair what you ruined
My body sprouts flowers
The endless rainfall has done it good
I retreat slowly to the shore
Pause for a deep breath that fills the four corners of my heart
And break into a sprint towards the horizon
I am free now
I am free now