It hurt worse than I thought, and it's odd realizing this after a whole year has passed
You leaving hurt for a fleeting minute, you entering my life is a dull pulsating pain
Wishing I could have met him before I met you
Wishing you didn't have to have hurt me everyday
So that I can love him so much more fully
So that there's no more nausea
And vomiting of consistent episodic assaults on repeat
There are things I cannot even share under a pseudonym
Things darker than any night time, darker than any horror imaginable
Turning like a wheel with a knife, stabbing me every time you pass by
He has no wheel, he has no knife, but I can still feel your wounds


A jackhammer in my brain engrains the filth in my memory
Sometimes he can take it away
Sometimes he can kiss it all away
But sometimes I'm alone in my own bile and venom
Praying I don't choke or die
Even though apart of me would much prefer it to the pain
Because of you I would like to die
Because of him I could never leave this Earth.