my friends looked at me like there was something wrong with me when i said i wasn't afraid to die anymore.
how our school shut down and how after everything,
i listened to us go in a circle and share thoughts like,
"it opened my eyes. i'm happy nothing happened to us. i want to live, this life is worth living for."
i listened to them with envy and sadness.
when they all looked at me to agree,
i couldn't.
i told them it didn't matter to me.
usually saying these things would bring tears to my eyes,
but alana, ryan, jessica, emily,
i can't feel anything but sorrow and grief.
i told them how i would sacrifice myself to keep them alive.
"don't say that", they said.
but it's true.
they told me how they would stop coming to school if i departure.
i told them i didn't matter and to pretend like i never happened,
like i was never here,
real,
breathing.
i told them that my ashes deserve to be flushed down a toilet like the fishes that died 2 days after winning them from a fair.

because i am nothing.