I haven’t been feeling good lately.

I don’t want to draw, I don’t want to write,

My room is messy.

My feelings for my ex who could so easily be mine again are

Cold.

My feelings for my professor, who I felt so much for, draw

Cold.

I guess I cannot function without love driving me to madness.

Even my old love for fictional characters, just anything to fill that void,

Gone.

I keep telling myself that I have to lose these last 15 lbs

But without love, nothing drives me.

Music too, I don’t want to listen to anything,

I was dancing myself into great moods last week,

In front of the mirror.

Where did that go?

Nothing tastes all that great either.

And maybe, my dreams have pushed their way into the forefront of my mind.

But it is difficult to lay in bed awake, with my eyes shut, fantasizing about starring on SNL.

That would not come as easy as running different scenarios between my professor and I does.

Not to mention my dreams are multifaceted.

I want to be a singer, an actress, a comedian.

So many possibilities.

I can’t focus on one.

I have no one to idolize but myself, yet that is difficult to do when no one likes me.

I knew becoming single wouldn’t change anything.

That I’d still go unnoticed, but one small part of me had rather hoped that I might get some attention from any guy I found relatively attractive.

But no, the answer is always no, and yet I don’t have terrible self-esteem.

I am fully aware that I am quite attractive, especially when I try.

Long, thick, ***** blonde waves surround my face and reach down to my waist.

Cat-like blue eyes with green in their center.

Pronounced cheekbones.

Triple Ds.

I’d say I stand out well among other girls, even though I hate my smile.

Yet I get nothing, and I’m not the type to sit around and wait to get approached.

There was a time, not so long ago, when I was willing to confess to my professor for God’s sake.

And those aren’t just words I assure you.

But in my experience, men don’t like forward women, nor do they like funny women, or confident women.

I can’t win, whether I speak up, or keep it to myself.

I feel like I’ll never have true reign over my own life.

I guess through writing this, I’ve discovered what’s really bothering me.

This is why I’m unhappy right now.

But I’m sure it must be this way for many other people.

Who feel as though no one ever likes them, and they can’t figure out why.

I lost 20 lbs last semester.

I get all As.

I got my license after waiting forever and feeling worthless without it.

I know I have so much to be proud of.

But I don’t care, this life isn’t worth living if I don’t feel fulfilled.

And my heart speaks the loudest.

My heart has the final say.

My heart has treated me to the most powerful happiness I’ve ever felt.

And that came from love.

Something I have no control over.

So, I guess it’s going to be a dry spell for a while.

And that’s the way it works.