It had been so long, since these thoughts had occurred.
I thought they had vanished, guess that's absurd.
They yearn to tear me apart,
piece by piece, slowly and agonizingly.
These hateful, spiteful, horrid thoughts aimed solely at myself.
I need to feel something other than this all consuming rage.
I need the pain to take over me, the same way it used to.
Burning, cutting, destroying myself.
I need it. I crave it.
These thoughts rarely ever truly go away.
Its on repeat.
I finally take some steps forward, before I'm pushed.
Pushed over the edge into that monotone oblivion.
The oblivion where you don't think
or sleep,
or see the world around you.
It vanishes, and you're put on autopilot.
Maybe acting like a machine is the real me.
Maybe after this time I won't ever return to how I used to be.