returning to familiar ground
is, at this point,
never pleasant
or at least it isn't now

faces i hoped never to see again
smells i can only pick up there
sounds that attack my ears, unique to this space
it's all coming back to me now

jagged edges of the lights
the colors
the voices
ripping me apart each day

the same mechanical words rise like bile in my throat
burning ***** fills my mouth, escaping through my nose unbidden
the same mechanical words, once thought purged from me
leave me uneasy

my mind is crying out
not again
not again
and i'm meant to smile and be joyful

i must be grateful for the friends i don't deserve
love i don't cherish with my whole heart
spaces and feelings that will never be mine
family, torn asunder from within and scattered to the winds

am i meant to believe that things will get better from here?