I sat staring into space,
My life a mess my mind a state.
Listening to this voice in my head,
I followed its demand, to destruction I was led

‘Don’t eat’ it said ‘it will make you fat’,
therefore I listened and with that,
my body became frail, freezing and tired.
I was left alone to suffer, broken and battered.

‘Don’t add milk, skip your snack,
you don’t need lunch, it will make you fat’.
‘Think about your figure, your stomach your legs,
your unworthy already your better of dead’

As weight I lost, my happiness disappeared.
Feeling numb was an emotion I began to not fear.
Hunger became normal, a comfort a ‘pleasure’
Just throw it away, it will make you look ‘better’.

‘You are disgusting and worthless’, it penetrated my thoughts
A disease, an illness harnessed its grip on my mind.
Abbi had gone, eyes glazed over,
my skin all grey, a corpse I embodied.

It pulled me backwards, isolation was key,
but the voice didn't care as it was harming me.
My mind, my body, soul all blurred into one,
a girl that was once happy had completely gone.

Anxiety spiralled my life out of control,
fooled me in thinking I could still withhold,
the anguish, the terror that my eating disorder craved,
I wanted nothing more than to finally cave.

For too long, I watched others suffer,
screaming and shouting ‘just eat, what’s the matter’.
A simple comment made me change,
‘STOP killing yourself, you can get through the pain’

So body, I think this is terribly overdue,
I’m sorry for putting you in so much pain, abusing you.
I began feeding you with food, a nutrient, a need.
And with that I started putting on weight,
to get healthy, strong, NOT FAT!

Guilt was intense, relapse a strong thought I struggled to prevent.
But Rex is weak and I am strong,
So I keep eating and fighting,
I’m not going to respond.

My dreams are more important that looking a certain way.
I want to live my life without a voice dictating what I do or say.

Living rather than dying, happy rather than sad.
A simple diction of acceptance, I had to finally grab.

Abbi Jordan, 17 years old. In recovery and fighting, 6 months and counting.