The season has changed
the colours are bright
the calm sway of a breeze
forces leaves to take flight

The blanket that comforts the sky
leaves frost over thickening blades
the crimson bonfire blaze
lights the sky for days

Pumpkins and apple pies
grace October with glee
the sweet smoke of burning wood
gently caress my fears to free

Conkers fall at my feet
kissed by natures protective force
the mellowed sweetness and starry skies
softly lighten winter’s course

I wish I could be free,
like a leaf on a tree, falling to the ground
I wish I could drift away in the wind
far away from the depts of my pain

The bruises of knowing that this terror won’t rest
sends my brain into fury, my mind a complete mess
The outside world frightens me, I’m not brave, I’m not strong
I’m lost, I just want to be free

This web of fear ignites my thoughts
constant, oppressive, it won’t stop it just haunts
My daily life torn apart by myself
submerged into darkness, consumed by my health

As I lie awake at 2am,
because I lost the ability to sleep
Racing feelings twist and turn around my head
I worn, I’m tired, I’m just full of dread

You can’t run, you can’t hide
You’re always a step behind
the panic that builds within my body
I’m drowning, you just can’t see it

I feel invisible sometimes, completely isolated
like the silence will never end
I don’t think I can escape
I’m to far gone to mend

I’m overwhelmed and worthless
I can’t do anything right
I want to escape, hide away
I don’t deserve to the see the light  

I wonder constantly what people think of me,
What they say about me
My heart is in my throat, it’s too hard to breathe
All I want is to disappear, I’m not allowed to be free

I overthink every word, every action I question
This demon living inside my head, fuels my depression
I’m vulnerable, alone, a failure, a fake
All I’m good at is making stupid mistakes

This is anxiety at its worst
next time you presume I fine
Take a minute to understand
that inside I’m fighting the eternal curse

I live with the hope that I will get better
That this fear inside will not last forever

Sometimes I can’t help but wonder
If you ever still think about me
If I ever cross your mind at all
And if you’ve ever once felt guilty

Because I still think about you
Much more often than I desire
And every single time I do
It’s like my brain’s been set on fire

I think about the person I once was
Hopeful, jubilant, and carefree
Every day was an exciting adventure
And my whole life was ahead of me

But you took all that happiness away
With your words as sharp as knives
Its amazing, through so much mental abuse
How the body still survives

Because you caused so much damage
That it has lasted all this time
And though the scars were never visible
What you did should be a crime

Even though I left you years ago
Your words live on within me
It makes me feel like I am trapped
And from this pain, I can never flee

They say “Forgiveness doesn’t make you weak”
And that “Its what can finally set you free”
But I could never find it in me to forgive you
Because you destroyed all the good I had in me

I sat staring into space,
My life a mess my mind a state.
Listening to this voice in my head,
I followed its demand, to destruction I was led

‘Don’t eat’ it said ‘it will make you fat’,
therefore I listened and with that,
my body became frail, freezing and tired.
I was left alone to suffer, broken and battered.

‘Don’t add milk, skip your snack,
you don’t need lunch, it will make you fat’.
‘Think about your figure, your stomach your legs,
your unworthy already your better of dead’

As weight I lost, my happiness disappeared.
Feeling numb was an emotion I began to not fear.
Hunger became normal, a comfort a ‘pleasure’
Just throw it away, it will make you look ‘better’.

‘You are disgusting and worthless’, it penetrated my thoughts
A disease, an illness harnessed its grip on my mind.
Abbi had gone, eyes glazed over,
my skin all grey, a corpse I embodied.

It pulled me backwards, isolation was key,
but the voice didn't care as it was harming me.
My mind, my body, soul all blurred into one,
a girl that was once happy had completely gone.

Anxiety spiralled my life out of control,
fooled me in thinking I could still withhold,
the anguish, the terror that my eating disorder craved,
I wanted nothing more than to finally cave.

For too long, I watched others suffer,
screaming and shouting ‘just eat, what’s the matter’.
A simple comment made me change,
‘STOP killing yourself, you can get through the pain’

So body, I think this is terribly overdue,
I’m sorry for putting you in so much pain, abusing you.
I began feeding you with food, a nutrient, a need.
And with that I started putting on weight,
to get healthy, strong, NOT FAT!

Guilt was intense, relapse a strong thought I struggled to prevent.
But Rex is weak and I am strong,
So I keep eating and fighting,
I’m not going to respond.

My dreams are more important that looking a certain way.
I want to live my life without a voice dictating what I do or say.

Living rather than dying, happy rather than sad.
A simple diction of acceptance, I had to finally grab.

Abbi Jordan, 17 years old. In recovery and fighting, 6 months and counting.