Today,
I woke up,
And for the first time since March,
I have contemplated the pros and cons
Of ending my life.

Today,
I woke up,
And realized that there are parts of this world,
People in this world,
That would have been and would still be
Better off without me.

Today,
I woke up,
And no snoring puppy,
No purring cat,
No cawing crow
Could penetrate the deafening silence
That has taken my soul hostage.

Today,
I woke up,
And I realized that there are things you've never seen
That I wish I had never seen.

Today,
I woke up,
And thought of all the ways
I am not enough.

Today,
I woke up,
And gave names to all my failures and faults.

Today,
I woke up,
And saw how far I still have to go.

But

Today,
I woke up,
And for the first time in my life I realized
That I am worth something.
That I don't deserve to feel this way.
That there is no sin I have commited that is so great
To earn the ire of a world that never loved me.

Today,
I woke up,
And realized that there are people whose hands I will never hold again,
But the shade of their eyes
And the spark in their smile,
Will forever be held in my heart,
Wherever they may be,
Whoever's hands they may be holding
Or whoever sparks their smile next.

Today,
I woke up,
And I forced myself to move
And I forced myself to shower
And I forced myself to take my pills and drink some water
And start my day.
I forced myself to listen to music that doesn't make me want to rip my heart out.

Today,
I woke up,
And I knew in my bones that
I am more than my past,
And I am more than my pain,
And I am more than anyone ever expected me to become.

Today,
I woke up,
And looked deep into my brown eyes,
And counted every streak of yellow, every flare of red, every speck of black.
I took in a deep breath and reminded myself
That I am a work in progress,
But I am coming along so beautifully.

Today,
I woke up,
And remembered that the most important thing
About being strong,
Is surviving.
I remembered that I have crossed through hell and high water
And back again
And my skin is still mine,
And my bones are still mine,
No matter who has tried to take me from myself,
That I am still my own, if nothing else.

I remembered that the strongest and most important thing I can do
Is walk right by death,
And look my demons straight in the eye and say:

*"Today, I woke up."