I am not what you think I am. Colourful, joyful, laughter and excitement. I am dull, gloomy, serious and calm. I do not find joy in loudness but in stillness I do. I do not find pleasure in pleasing anyone because i cannot even please myself. I am not picture perfect like you see me on pictures but i am raw, a mastering hideous perfectly formed flaw. I do not have the perfect smile because real smiles do not exist in my real world. My body is not what you imagined it to be because it is a skeleton out of it's closet. I am not free as i may seem because i am trapped. I am trapped in the flamerous and distructive thoughts of mine that are beckering at what i have become. I am so afraid of what i have become, i have become so poisenious to myself. I have become so out of value , i was once a diamond and now i am gravel. I am used as a road for growth for some and a road of example of an expired female to the rest.
I am done, i am a dead body with a soul trying to live but soon will be ready to take it's life. There is really no other way to describe myself other than expired, disasterious and into ashes. I am trying so hard to cleanse all my past, my wounds , my flaws but the more i cleanse them the bigger they fluster. Maybe the scars of all the heartbreak i have been through has marked the outside of me. Im fighting a war with my inner self and outer self. What is outside of me is building the monster in me. The last time i checked what is in the inside brings what is from the outside but in my case it is the total opposite.
I feel like my past is haunting me and i see it in my reflection on the mirror. Maybe this is a way of God's punishment to me. For breaking all the laws he breaks my outer self inorder to break my inner self. Day by day i destroy myself by impeckering at what i only succeed in which is my imperfections. The burning gaze i receive from the monster that i see infront of my mirror lurching and mocking at my past written all over my imperfect body. I am haunted, haunted by my thoughts, haunted by my feelings, haunted by my imperfection that is lingered by my haunting past that haunts my future.
Maybe this is what i was born for , i was born to be flawless in imperfection. Maybe i was born to be seen as glorious but as soon as they get to know me they realise how into ashes i am. I died, I died the day i lost my morals and i died the day i realised how i will never be good enough. Not good enough for myself and most definetly not good enough for anyone.
I am alone once again. I am alone yet i have so many people in my life. But that's the thing, i have many in my "perfect" life that is a living lie and i have myself and only that in the real world of my nakedness and loneliness. Maybe this is it, this is the hell that i was warned about when i was once innocent. I died the day i lost my innocence and i was born again in the life of hell in a cell. My life is a hell in a cell because i am imprisoned. My whole body is marked and outlined by my past. My thoughts of my past mistakes are locked in my brain and not willing to rest until i have no dignity left in me.
See what i mean? I am not what you think i am. I am not over my past. I haven't overcome my flaws. I have not found my confidence. And i am not perfect at all and never will be. But with time I will maybe be what i wish i could be and that is perfect in my eyes, unhaunted by my past and set free by my thoughts.
I know its too long but jus read maybe you'll find a line that you can relate to.