i use to think blue was my favorite color because of the sky

i never thought it was because of your eyes

but once i saw them i understood

and you replaced the sky and everything in your path

i fell, fell harder than i ever have

and although my life has been full of problems

the biggest one is you

every flaw, every single thing you hated about yourself, i loved about you

every nagging, every put down, every curse, i banished, i stopped you from letting them out

and though you let my words fly south

i stayed. i listened. i felt your pain as if it was my own

one day i hoped you would have noticed

one day i hoped that instead of telling your guys that i was just a friend,

you wished i was more.

i wished your feelings would pour

pour through your chest as my tears did down the drain

that every memory of me was hidden away in a special box, sealed and marked fragile do not touch

but they weren't

my feelings aren't reciprocated because of one simple reason

i'm fat

my weight doesn't correspond with my height

my body doesn't look right

my heart is big but so are my thighs

and even when i try

it's not enough

you've never straight out said this but i can read between lines you have so easily drawn

like the strings to my heart tugged like a puppet master

starving yourself is wrong, that's what they teach you in health class

but when you are fat heads turn the other way and suddenly it becomes okay

on day five i felt like i wanted to cry because i stepped on the scale and didn't lose an ounce

and yet i drank my weight in water and pushed myself farther than i ever have before only to sink to the floor

i went to the kitchen to consume my doom but only a salad because i hadn't given up so soon and it was okay

it didn't make my day like ice cream on apple pie or chocolate cake

instead it ruined it when i got on the scale and gained a pound

i could starve myself for days outweight the amount of calories burned to the ones taken in and not lose anything

but the second i eat even if it's healthy the scale tips like it tips my whole world upside down

i am told i just need to eat healthy and exercise but if that was the case why do the people who eat nothing but trash have flatter abs than me

and then they are the ones to tell me i am unhealthy

i go to bed late so i can get up even later, sleeping past breakfast and lunch

i then force myself to go swimming and put on a two piece to remind myself why i'm even doing this in the first place

in a haste i swim around my pool and do workouts for hours until i completely lose feeling in my legs

you're not suppose to eat after seven but that's when mom gets home and we have dinner

i pretend i'm feeling sick so i don't have to eat and although she sees through my lies

beauty is more important than being healthy