I don't know how to be healthy anymore
and it is starting to scare me.

Except I don't really mean that it scares me,
only that I know it should
and it is slightly unsettling to realize
I don't feel anything about it at all.

So when I say it scares me,
I mean;

I am exhausted.

I mean, I spent 45 minutes staring out the window at nothing instead of writing.

I mean, I set up all of my paints
just so that I can sit here
with blue fingerprints on my thighs
breathing in paint thinner and linseed oil.

I mean, I physically cannot pick up the paintbrush.

I mean, the only thing I ate today was zucchini.

I mean, I don't know how to say any of this.

I mean, I want to talk to you,
always
constantly
but I can't open my mouth.

I mean I am disappearing
and I have no idea how to stop.