I almost needed you

I almost dialed your phone number in the middle of the night because I can’t sleep and I’m in tears and my heart is in pain and I needed to hear your voice just to make it alright

I almost broke down when you said you couldn’t come to meet me the next day and I almost told you how much it made me down and I almost begged you to come because I needed to see you because I can already feel the ache of needing your comfort in my bones because I’m scared

I almost hugged you when the thing I was so afraid of finally happened
I almost held your hand when I didn’t know what to do anymore
I almost touched you, I almost showed you my tears, I almost showed you that I’m in pain, I almost showed you that I was scared and I don’t know what to do anymore

I almost showed you how much of a mess I was

I almost showed you that I was crying but I hid my face on your shoulder and when I realized that it makes me ache for your comfort more, I stood up and skipped away like my tears weren’t falling, my heart wasn’t shattering

And when I came back and when you tilted my head up and asked me if cried, I almost told you the truth. I almost broke down and screamed that I needed you. I almost told you my greatest fear. I almost told you that I felt so weak, that I need you so badly to hold me. I almost told you that I’m already breaking and I need you to hug me. I almost told you that I needed your comfort and I needed you to tell me that I’m not who I think I am. That I am worth it, that I am not a failure, that I did my best and everything’s going to be okay. I almost told you that I was so scared. I almost cried in front of you. I almost let myself shatter in front of you.

I almost needed you.

But I’m glad I didn’t.

Because I made it. I made it up until today. And if I didn’t hold myself back, I might haven’t realized that I can be strong.

That I am strong.