my dear F,

i'm sorry things turned out this way.

as much as i want to believe that we are the ones who make our own fate, some things just became too heavy for me to carry and i wasn't ready. and believe me, i tried. i tried so hard but it's hard to brawl against something i couldn't even see like destiny, or whatever other word people have for it.

see, i haven't been doing too well. when i look at myself in the mirror i see a houseplant that is about to die. the guilt consumes me more than anything. other days i just feel like a lit candle dying a slow death and this, i accept. i'm sorry i hurt you while i was hurting. i have been a dreadful person.

and i'm sorry this is all i can give you -- another futile attempt to gather my thoughts and then turn them into something not even mildly coherent. but this is all i've got... for now, at least.

i don't know what to say anymore; i just don't want to cry on christmas eve again. i'm sorry i can't go back in time and fix us.

maybe in our next lives, if i'm lucky, you'll find me again.
or i'll find you. either way, i will be waiting.

but i understand if you hate me.

love always,
N