One,
When I said I loved you, I meant it
Two,
When I said I was in love with you, I was too naive to know what that meant
I thought falling in love meant the constant feeling of being wanted
but I forgot that was just the other half
Three,
I'm sorry for the times I didn't make you feel wanted
I'm sorry for pushing you away when what I really wanted was to be with you
I thought being stereotypical was being normal, but we were never intended to be normal, we were meant to be extraordinary
Four,
Yes, I still think about you every night.
As much as I want to say that I think about us, there isn't an "us" to think about,
And it's better to accept reality now than relive what's not here
Five,
I didn't want to give your things back but,
Six,
If I hold onto them I might fool myself that I still have a piece of you with me
Seven,
I knew that our last kiss was going to be our last
When your gut feeling stops being just a gut feeling
And makes it way up to your brain, you'll stop guessing
You'll start to wait
Wait for the inevitable
Wait until hoping becomes futile and coming into terms with something that hasn't happened yet becomes second nature
Eight,
You tell me I'm pessimistic
That I add too much drama in my life.
But how can I not when I've seen this in my head play over and over again and now,
Nine,
I see it in my computer screen
The eyes that lit up when it sees me
Except now they've learned to react to someone else
Ten,
I'm ok with that
Eleven,
I'm not ok with this though
This, the unanswered questions you have that I couldn't answer at the time because I didn't know it yet
This, the immeasurable counts of "almost" I didn't want to leave at almost
Like how I almost wanted you again
or
how you almost fought for me
or
the almost apologies
or
the almost plans that'll remain just as plans
Twelve,
Yes I still love you
Thirteen
I can't be the only one willing to make this work,
which is why I said "no"
Fourteen,
Extremely caring for a person isn't enough
I was waiting for you to be vulnerable to me again
I was waiting for you to tell me, tell them, that you wanted to be with me
I was waiting for the consistency in you making me feel secured again because waking up at 2am, pillows drenched cause all I could see even in my dreams are the text messages of you trying to look for me in someone else, is like being forced to run when you can't feel yourself breathing anymore
Fifteen,
Singing "We Are Never Getting Back Together" after you played "Lucky" was my sad attempt to make you believe that I was done trying.
Maybe we were meant to fall in love once, get up, brush of the shards of our relationship, and move on.
I may have stood first and walked a couple of steps,
but you sprinted
Not long after, I see you turning you head from a distance,
but instead of stopping to wait for me, you just smiled and went on
Sixteen,
I'm happy you found someone along the way
I am no longer in your periphery but that's ok
It has to be ok and maybe one day,
it will.