For the longest time I thought that what we had was love
but it wasn't

Because I'm not supposed to feel scared and anxious when I miss a text or call
because I'm afraid that you'll lash out on me

It's not supposed to make me feel scared as if I have to tip toe around egg shells to make sure that I stay on your good mood

My friends aren't supposed to lose count on how many times I cried over you and yet they could count the times I was happy in one hand

And I was desperate to believe that you were the real you when you're happy
and that whenever you're mad it's actually my fault
because you say it is

When you say sorry I would always hang on to it like a man in the desert desperate for water,
because you always say that you didn't mean to (and because it was simply my fault)

Your anger started to become my punishments,
it became a way for me to burry myself with guilt and constantly blaming myself that I should've learned by now to know what you want
because ultimately it's my fault

The word "no" disappeared from my vocabulary because guilt and fear has eaten it away  

You used to ask me why I never get angry,
but being angry at you will just amplify your anger towards me

But it's been years now,
and I finally got my voice back,
It took me time to repair what was broken,
and get the missing pieces back together


It's been years now,
but I still get anxious when my phone rings