your smile was bright and lit up the room like the sun.
even on the rainiest of days as long as i could make you smile the world always seemed bright and warm.
i was infatuated with you by means you could not and will not ever understand.
i chose seeing you over going to class.
i chose writing stupid poetry about you over sleep.
i chose waiting for you and loving YOU over learning to love myself.
i chose clinging onto lovely memories over forgetting how you hurt me.
but if there's one thing i didn't chose, it was loving you.
that's not something i could have ever chosen.
loving you isn't something you that's done by choice.
God no.
loving you is a dark trap that people fall into.
loving you is like the first rain of spring,
or the first layer of fall leaves scattered on the ground.
i didn't ask for it but by god it happened anyway.

months later here i am and I'm clinging onto this idea that somehow it was my fault.
maybe i wasn't open enough.
maybe i didn't text you back at the right pace.
but maybe all along it wasn't me.
it was you.