I scratch and claw at my skin
Trying to tear away the thin material
That hides my muscles, bones, and sins

I hold my throat
Hoping for the possibility to crush it
Hoping to stop the air flow

I cover my ears
Trying to muffle the echoing whispers
That cloud my brain

I sit alone in my room
Unworthy to be with people
But also dangerous to myself

I don't eat much
Because my body tries to reject it
Even though it needs it

I want to sleep
All day and all night
For days, months, years at a time
Just to keep the monsters in

Self-degrading myself
With so much power and force
That it seems impossible to be a lie

I don't deserve what I have
I don't deserve to be happy
I don't deserve any of it

But I have it
It's within my grasp
But it feels like a lie
As if it's sand that will slip through my fingers
The moment I have a hold of it

So I wait
I sit in this position
In which I am in pain
Because I don't know anything else

I long to shatter every mirror
I long to tear up my skin
I long to crush my vocal cords and stop the air flow
I long to be recognized as the monster I am
And be rejected by those close to me
So I can't ever hurt them again

But in reality
That won't happen
I won't break every mirror
I won't damage my skin
I won't destroy my airways
I won't be told I'm a monster
And no one will reject me

Because they can't see me
Through my eyes
They can't hear my thoughts
Or see the things behind my eyelids
So they don't know the truth of me

So I have to take it into my own hands
And continue to self-degrade myself
Since no one else will
Because they don't see me
Like I see me

I hate what I see
And disagree with what they say
Because they don't know
What lies just underneath
The thin fabric you call skin
They don't know about my alter ego

My **monster