Nothing seems to be going right in my life right now. Generally, I have not been very happy for the past... six months? Honestly, I am utterly unhappy and my depression and anxiety are worse.

It used to be about the man that I am in love with. If you are reading this, please do not feel burdened.

Now, it's about everything else in my life. I am restless and worried about so much. I want to move at my own pace but the universe keeps on testing me. I know that it's God's way of making me a better person, but good God, I am extremely unhappy. I cry all the time. If you ever see me put on a smile lately, you are in luck. Most of the time I can only see myself crying and wanting to **** myself.

I know that the universe has a plan, but good God, I am still trying to let go and accept and work hard. It's as if the circumstances won't allow whatever hard work I did to pay off.

I've contemplated suicide for more times than I could count for the past three months. I could feel its presence, its weight, and its shadow against the wall. I could imagine a life without me. I could imagine how my friends would be when they received that unexpected, dreaded information of a girl who died too young simply because her brain messed up her emotions. I could imagine the tears and guilt that my mother would have upon seeing my dead body. I could imagine the guilt and pain and anger that my father would feel upon reading my note. I could imagine it. I, too, could imagine you looking at my cold face, my hands and fingers covered in the shrouds.

I didn't want, though, to let their souls break because of my selfishness to leave the world without their permission.

So I will live.

I just need someone to talk to and to hold me and tell me everything will be okay. I am currently not strong enough to do that on my own.