something clicks
and i dont feel like living anymore
not that i usually feel like living
but at this time the urges to harm myself, the thoughts of suicide and death rise to the surface again
and i completely give in.
it becomes harder to smile,
harder to laugh,
harder to eat,
harder to be with others
i just want to be left alone but i want someone to be with me
my already confused mind becomes even more confused
whats wrong with me?
i dont know the answer..
its this episode again
not my usual depressed mood, not my usual emptiness
it is something more, something between the sadness and the emptiness
somewhere scary, and crazy
it is a place where you no longer see a purpose in living
where everything that is not very negative dies
and the demons in your head laugh and dance
my body feels week, my soul is too heavy
why am i alive again?
my muscles shake, my stomach aches, my head hurts, my eyes burn, my heart feels so empty
my hopes die, my dreams.. what dreams?
never had one of those
and the worst part of all of this
is not that i dont know why im feeling this way,
nor that im tired of being depressed every single day
it is when i know i have everything everyone wants in life, i have home, i have parents, siblings, money, education, health, faith, and yet.. i feel this way.