the thing about being sexually assaulted at a very young age
is that when you are older you will start to associate anything ****** with the first experience you ever had
but it won't feel like butterflies
it will feel like ten showers, not enough, scratching at your skin and vomiting to get any part of him that may still linger out of you even though so many years have passed
the thing is
people will laugh when you say your brother is a terrible person
and their laughter will taste like the bile that burns your throat after you've purged the thoughts away again
i have learned to crave deviant things because all tame actions have been tainted for me
do not touch me with those calloused fingertips,  they remind me too much of hiding in my closet and no one needs to know
dig your nails in instead
the thing is
he is legally "perpetrator," not my "******"
because when both parties are under 18 it's called "child on child ****** assault"
not ****
even though he groomed and manipulated me like any adult ****** would
and I didn't understand but he did
but he is not my ******
it doesn't feel that way
the thing is
i have now learned to fear calloused hands and large men and ****** hair when it's groomed a certain way
i have learned
that rapists come dressed in a smile and their girlfriends will say they're just like big teddy bears
i have learned
to  cry at the thought of pleasure because it feels wrong and grimy
i don't know if i will ever feel clean,
do not TOUCH me with those calloused fingertips, dig your nails in instead
it will feel like butterflies