I wanted to call you today.
I wanted to stand outside with a cigarette in my hand and your name on my lips.
I want your voice in my ears like it is a drug, and I’m withdrawal.
I am nothing but withdrawal these days.
I’m months from my last cigarette,
Weeks from my last craving
Too long since I last heard your voice.
I do not like to admit that I need you, because I shouldn’t.
I tell people of your wickedness,
Just to hear your name in the miles between us.
You have been the blade that has cut me too many times,
But I am left craving your steel.
Your pain.
I miss you.

I wanted to call you today.
I wanted to stand outside with a cigarette in my hand and your name on my lips.
I want your voice in my ears like it is a home, and I am lost.
I left town to escape you in the hallway
I moved to escape your memory in my bedroom
I wanted to go home today,
To return to my small town and curl up under your memory.
I miss my cigarettes
And I still miss your voice.
And your steel
And your pain.
I still miss you.

I called you today.
I wanted to stand outside with a cigarette in my hand and your name on my lips.
I wanted to hear my name on your lips, like it is a drug and  oh god am I withdrawal.
I wanted to walk the miles between us just to see you.
Instead, I called you today, outside of a gas station,
And I did not hold a cigarette,
I just held your name in my teeth,
I told you I still talk about you,
Just to hear your name.
I still write about you just to see you for a split second in my mind,
I still look at my door like you will show up.
I told you I am still months from my last cigarette,
And minutes from my last craving.
And you told me you were proud.
I wanted you to be forgiven and me forgiveness,
But I am not, can not, forgive you.
Because I do not want to forget you.
I want to hear your name on my lips every morning,
To wake to you every morning,
Despite your steel,
Your pain.
I want to miss you.