and how much I miss you I cannot put into words
though your words are the ones I miss.
There are days that are easier without you
and days that I can feel my feeling going away.
I can feel myself fighting it--fighting the numbness
and nothingness.
It's hard.
I have to tell myself that I'm happy, to be happy.
I can't remember a time when I was truly genuinely happy.
when I was with you I thought I was happy, I forget what that feels like.
I wonder if you're happy, can u teach me how to be happy?
I don't think you can teach someone how to do something that comes naturally to you, right?
I don't feel anything when I think of you.
that's a lie.
I feel nothing with a hint of smiles.
it's a weird feeling and it makes me nauseous.
literally.
it makes me feel dizzy and it makes me throw up.
I still want to hold your hand.
I want to lay next to you forever.
I think of you and I think of nothing but genuine feeling.
whether it be pain or butterflies, I feel something.
i want to fade into you.
I know you don't read these anymore and it kind of makes me glad.
but it's not like I wouldn't've written this if I knew you were gonna see it. you know I don't care.
you know that for you I'm an open book.
nothing to hide.
the only lie I've ever told you is that I've never lied to you.
I lie to you every time we speak.
I don't tell you this.
I don't tell you how badly I want to run all the way to your arms and never let you go.
I don't tell you because I know that there are times where weeks can go by and you don't think of me.
I think it's strange.
I've never been able to go a whole hour without thinking of you.
I don't hate it, but I don't know how to make it go away.
I don't want to forget you the way you've forgotten me
but I want to let you go the way
you've let me go.