it's a cold day in april
& you could say,
"the winds blew hard
this winter in the northeast,
at least it's not -10,"
but that won't make
the goose bumps on my thighs
any less uncomfortable

it's a bad day to be me
& you could say,
"the nights were dark
this winter in the northeast,
at least you got out of the hospital,"
but that won't make
the shaking in my hands
any less obvious

i miss the way he smelled
like smoke, laundry detergent, & shampoo
in the morning
& you could say
"he just wasn't ready,
he just wasn't here when you needed him,"
but that won't make needing him
any less pathetic

i could run off to the south,
spend the summer in states
i never cared to visit,
i could find a new interest
in shark teeth
& tanned skin
but that won't make
the scars left under my ribs
from years in the northeast
any less prominent

i could quit my job,
book a flight,
shut off my phone,
and just ******* go,
but no matter how far
away i take my body,
none of it will matter
if i can't convince
my mind to follow

i'm just so *******
sick of this east coast blood
between us,
this tri-state depression
i was raised to accept,
this tri-state depression
you were raised to accept

they say
"drain the toxins"
but when your entire being
is sculpted of them,
what's left when they're
all filtered out?

i'm afraid of starting over

i'm afraid of what you think of me

afraid there's a possibility
i am as ****** as you make me feel

afraid hell is not a physical place
that i can escape,
but a stagnant part of me,
like an ***** that grew
in under my skin

can i live without it?