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Mar 26 · 61
Pandemic and Pop Tarts
Morgan Mar 26
I have not written in a long time
Haven't felt the urge

The sun is practically screaming outside my window
Begging for my attention
Glaring through the blinds
Spilling heat all over my bare thighs

The sun is practically crying at the foot of my bed
Demanding to be seen,
Demanding to be felt
But I havent moved in hours
And I might just stay here until it's time to sleep again

My eyes are open, staring at the uneven paint strokes on my bedroom wall,
Wondering why I chose such a striking blue for my safe space
I dont feel safe at all
I pull the covers to my chin,
But I'm not cold

I feel the baby kick in my abdomen
And I wonder if he's hungry
I should probably eat something
But the bread is stale
And the eggs are bad

And I'm tired

I'm just so tired

I rub my stomach

I break the silence

It doesnt shatter,

It just cracks kind of faintly,

Unevenly,

Weakly

I whisper
I'm telling my child it will be alright
But I dont believe me

I feel an other kick,
Not so sharp this time
Kind of lazy
I think we're losing our strength,
We need to move

I rise from the bed and let the covers fall off my shoulders
Like a corpse rising from dirt

I choose a stale pop ****
Baby seems calmer
I did it,
An other day

I stop in front of the window
Over the kitchen sink
And squint out at the back yard
I feel anxiety rising in my chest
And my eyes begin to water

Not again

I sit down on the floor
And I cry
And I cry
As the time passes

So slowly

Soon the sun starts to wither
Shrink
Retreat
And so do I

The fear in my heart is raging
It's the only source of energy I know

I am fading
Loosing substance
Becoming distant
Becoming nothing

Piles of dust on a mattress
Aug 2019 · 87
grey walls caving in
Morgan Aug 2019
the outcasts came to me
and i sat in the back seats
of all their small cars
chain smoking
and i pretended
to feel at home
but i never feared the world enough
to truly let them in

and the envied came to me
and i sat on their made beds
in their big bedrooms
drinking grey goose
and i pretended
to feel at home
but i never was fearless enough
to truly let them in

and the scattered hearts
of girl and boy
brave and tired
came to me
and i held their hands
in movie theater bathrooms
and hotel swimming pool steps
pretending to feel at home
but i never tricked myself enough
to truly let them in

i always sat in the middle
feeling too complex for the simple
and too simple for the complex
but i never said too much

well,
i'm older now
and my life has lost
all of its mystery
i lie beside the same man
in the same home
after working the same job
each night
and i can't tell anymore
if i'm still pretending to feel at home
or if i finally found it
i never write anymore
Oct 2018 · 216
Black Holes
Morgan Oct 2018
I used to think everyone around me
Was rising

Over time, it seems more likely that
I'm just falling

It looks the same,
But it isn't.

He keeps following **** stars
On Twitter
And messaging lonely girls
On Facebook
Telling me that I'm stupid
That I'm crazy
That I'm lost

And he's right
But that doesn't change
The agony of sharp words
As I swallow them

His eyes once were a light brown;
Pools of swirled honey in the sunlight

Now there's two black holes
Cut from his skull
That he sees out of

And he doesnt really look at me,
Just toward me,
As if pretending
To notice me

I used to laugh so hard
I'd notice a sharp
Aching in my jaw
When I climbed into bed
At night

Now there is no ache
Just that feeling of falling
Over a ledge,
Grasping at rocks
Trying not to get lost
In the void growing deeper
Every night

I always feel like I'm circling
Around and around
This space where the Earth ends
And drops into nothing

I am so close to slipping
There is a sinking in my gut
As the tips of my toes
Teeter over the edge

But I just keep circling
Around and around

Hoping for a route out
Without plunging blindly
Into the dark
Aug 2018 · 181
name-full-of-what
Morgan Aug 2018
3am, and
the phone call
felt like swallowing shards of glass
i was coughing up blood
by the time she said
"try to get some rest"

i couldn't tell her that
i was resting all along,
should've spent more time awake
for you
but i was always pretty selfish
absorbed by "the process"

should've processed your pain,
you bled it out at my feet
and i stepped over it
to keep my shoes clean

i wrapped my arms around your stomach,
twisted your pendant around
between my fingers,
never bothered to ask
what it meant,
where it came from,
or why you never took it off

i liked your red curls,
soft on my shoulder
everytime we hugged

and the way your smile
was a gateway to your agony,
deep like the sea,
i could see the bottom,
but was too scared to go there,
too scared it would feel familiar,
too scared i wouldn't wanna leave,
i'd drown just to taste
something infinite,
real and unwavering,
something bigger than me

i always needed to be
the biggest thing in the room,
drank attention like water,
never cared if it was laced
with poison

you were something challenging,
an honest energy i never knew before,
kindness that radiated from the core,
no hidden motives,
no secret schemes,
you were love,
profound, gaping,
quiet and raging,
and you were reaching your hand out,
everything pointed right for me

but i did what i always do,
i recoiled,
fell back into myself,
spent months alone
smoking cigarettes
out my bedroom window,
writing bad poetry,
and starving just to feel

then there was that february night,
a leap back into the world;
i remember the navy blue darkness,
the sky like a rock,
no movement,
no color,
the crisp cold,
the way it stuck on my bones,
shivering in jordan's basement,
clinging to a bottle of *****
for warmth,
r.j.'s shakey voice
cutting the frozen silence
in a roaring whisper,

"he really cares about you,
he's having a really hard time,
you should reach out,
i know it'd matter"

and i remember the lies,
as clear and harsh and hitting
as they were that day
when i promised i would
but never did

why didn't i?

all it took was one misjudgment,
you clenching a steering wheel,
shattered glass,
full air bags,
drained lungs,
all that you were,
every bit of you,
snapped like a twig,
in the brassy grip of night,

and just as intensely as you came,
you vanished

your voice was light as air,
would've thought it was drippling
out of the sky,
i was barely listening,
hardly heard you say goodbye
i'm so sorry....

rest in peace and love,
my absolutely beautiful friend,
matt davis.

read his poetry at:
https://hellopoetry.com/name-full-of-what
Apr 2018 · 1.8k
Hands Too Weak
Morgan Apr 2018
Infomercials drowned out by sirens serve to remind me of how low my income really is

I'm here to remind you that
Your life's a disaster
I'm here to remind you that
you can scrub and scrub,
but the mess you've made
will always remain
I'm here to remind you how
far back you've truly fallen
But I won't tell you
That you're dragging me back, too

Ash trays overflowing
Anger and sadness
Seeping through rotten teeth
Nonexistent work ethic,
But your eyes are still
So tired
And I can't understand

I hate that I find myself thinking,
"Maybe life just isn't meant for everyone"
But some people are just so bad at living

I want to say
"The system failed you"
But I am the system
And I am here to fail you too

They told me this work is ice cold
And I thought my warmth could melt it
Now my teeth always sting
And my hands are always shaking
From the bitterness

Watching failure build up
And pour out all around me,
Hands too weak to stop it
Feb 2018 · 252
Hell Follows
Morgan Feb 2018
I used to be long, blonde hair
And tan skin
Acrylic nails with a sharp edge
Corona in the sunset
Pretending to laugh
Just to flash my snow white teeth
But nothing was funny
Living in cocoa beach
Only so that I can say
"I live in cocoa beach"
Selfies full of *** appeal
And shorts cut like underwear
But untouchable,

Smeared eyeliner in dark corners
Lights out,
No boy between my sheets
Just me and my misery

You can make faking it a full time job
But you'll never believe your self
That's certain

My roommate and I
We played up chemistry that made
Strangers cry
But we hated each other so much
It left lumps in our throats
All the time

Yoga and Pilates
Kale smoothies and
Swimmers thighs
But I'd rather be sleeping

Screamed at my roommate
Til I coughed up blood
Caught a flight out of Orlando,
4:30 in the morning
Stumbled into Philly,
Back on my *******,
And the air tasted no different

When the act was up
Curtain closed
I washed up in Scranton,
Back where I started,
Full circle,
On the corner of cigarette ash
And Miller lite cans
I gained 20 pounds almost over night
Striped the bleach from my hair
Bit the fake nails off my real ones,
They were thin and cracking
Put on jeans and a t-shirt
Fell asleep on my parents couch
Nothing changed inside of me
From one version to the next
Same depression,
Same medicine

Nothing matters
Nothing at all
Hell follows
No escape
Feb 2018 · 226
Tied In
Morgan Feb 2018
Don't try to pull me up
From this hole I've made
If you fall in
There's no escape
And I don't know why
I can't climb
But I sure as hell
Can run in place

All my friends are heaven sent
I've always been so Hell bent

But I don't question how I got here
I'm very familiar with the places
Where I went wrong
Cause I never left

And this life is quick sand
I can't catch my breath
Your voice is steady
I'm shaking to my death

I'm coughing up spiders
From the webs that entangle my brain

Loving you is right
Too bad I'm always wrong
Jul 2017 · 439
Split
Morgan Jul 2017
I wasn't holding my hands against my hips to assert some sort of feminine dominance over our space
Or to passively shame you for the mess that you had made
I held my hands on my hips so that my body wouldn't split straight down the middle
Revealing two halves
Cause I know I'm supposed to be one whole

Always
And always

I never understood how everyone
Kept their halves sewn so close together
Until I realized
Most people are a singular construction

I'm holding my hands on my hips
Not out of confidence
I'm waiting for the split
I'll press harder when it happens
I'm holding my hands on my hips
To hold myself together
Jan 2017 · 645
All the Same
Morgan Jan 2017
I had slivers in my knees
From crawling on wooden floors,
I had blistered thumbs
From holding on so tight
So don't tell me
I let it happen

I stayed up all night,
Just trying to catch my breath,
Clawing at the air,
Begging for wind
To pick me up
So don't tell me
I let it happen

I was gagging over a ceramic bowl
With broken tile under my thighs
And I was still telling myself
I was gonna rise
So don't tell me I gave up

I woke up in a cold sweat,
But I woke up,
And I woke up,
And I woke up,
So don't tell me I gave up

I panicked in every corner
Of every room
And every alley way
From here to Hell
And back again
But I kept on ******* going
So don't tell me I fell short
On promises

I did everything I could
And when I couldn't
I did it anyway
So don't tell me I fell short
On promises

I sat in a lukewarm bathtub
With dry veins
Praying I leaked
The poison from my
Exhausted skin
So don't tell me
I didn't bleed enough

I coughed up crimson
From all the screaming
Muffled into a pillow
After hours under pressure
So don't tell me
I didn't bleed enough

Some things are hopeless,
But not worthless

There is value
In the process

I didn't make it
Not yet
And maybe
I never will
But I'm strong
And sturdy
And unafraid
All the same
Jan 2017 · 1.8k
Maple Syrup Tears
Morgan Jan 2017
I can smell your laughter on my skin for days
And your smile lights my room long after you've gone

And I've been homesick every where
Since I turned seventeen
But I don't have that yearning lately,

You are lavender walls
And cherrywood floors

You are warm vanilla cuddles
And ruby red grapefruit kisses

And I am warm in the dead of winter,

And I am home inside of myself

And I've been trying to find the
Words to tell you,

That my heart skips rocks
Over the lake you've laid down

And I'm jumping in puddles
When you start to rain

I'm admitting things I've kept
A secret
From myself
With your soft hands
gently wrapped
Around my throat

I count my blessings
When the sunlight swallows my bedroom

I'm not a zombie
Rising from a coffin

I'm a kid
Excited to begin

Every day

I'm excited to begin

Please don't leave

I drop you off in your gravel driveway
And I feel whole the whole way home

Please don't leave

I touch your jawbone
And my teeth are
No longer daggers
Inside my gums

The letters that fall
From my tongue
Are rose petals,
Sugar,
Tea leafs,
Where they once were
Dust
And dirt
And blood

Please don't leave me
Spitting up charcoal again

I cough cocoa powder

I am getting younger every day

I cry maple syrup

I am getting safer every day

I bleed pomegranate

I am getting stronger every day

Please stay
Jan 2017 · 1.6k
Make Up Sex (With Myself)
Morgan Jan 2017
I've been accepting apologies I was never given,
I've been giving thanks to the pain,
I've been kissing the scars in my skin,
I've been listening to the soft whisper
Always distant in my panic
That says
"Maybe it's not so bad"

I've been laughing at my mistakes,
I've been telling myself I'm okay,
I've been asking for help,
Minus all of the shame

In between dreams
I've been kissing my own hands,
Talking to myself like royalty,
Wearing my make up like face paint,
Dancing in my bedroom,
Alone with the door unlocked

I've been carrying red lipstick in my purse,
I've been spraying perfume in my hair,
I've been waking up with the sun,
Using moisturizer that smells like
Chai tea and raspberries,
Putting lemon in my water

I've been calling my grandmother,
Telling her I love her even though
I know she can't hear me

I've been kissing my sister on the forehead,
Wishing her agony into space

Today I ate
A maple & walnut muffin
And I didn't stick my finger
Down my throat a single time

And I smelled my coffee
Before I drank it
And I wrapped my hands around
The mug
And I thought about how nice it is
To be so warm

Today I sat with ten suicide notes
In my lap,
All written in my script,
From days with a tired brain,
And I said sorry to myself
Over and over again
Until I believed myself
That I'll never do it again

Today I bought a brand new blanket,
The softest one I could find in target,
And I wrapped myself all up in it,
And I thought,
It's time I ******* own kindness
Morgan Jan 2017
We rang in the new year
On a mattress thrown on your
Living room floor
With the ball drop
On a desktop computer screen

The sound was lagging
Behind the images
And we were laughing
At how we always end up
Stuck in the past

You threw your arms around me
And let your kisses land
Carelessly wherever
They fell

And I outlined your jaw bone
With my pointer finger,
Threading it through
Your beard
And looking into your
Lazy eyes

You counted the times I said
"Like okay" at the beginning of a story
And by 5 AM , you announced
We'd reached a healthy twenty

You kept apologizing
For the way your dog
Was relentlessly
Licking my neck
But honestly
Even with her slobber
And yours
Dripping over my collar bones

And even with the night air
Tingling on my thighs,
Just a little too thick,
Just a little too warm,

Even with my straightened hair
Curling at its ends

And your brother's girlfriend's
Faint moaning sounds from behind
A locked door

There was nothing I'd rather be doing
Than watching your eyes expand and contract
To the rhythm of your stories
Before the blue light of television
Overlapping moon lit window sills
And dark spaces

You are the yellow light love,
Symbolism with a pulse,
Saying "it's officially 2017"
With a begging grin
And an undercurrent of
Gentle laughter,
Standing for change
And growth
And warmth
And simplicity

You are transparent
And in the palms of your hands
I see the year panned out
In blue veins
And freckles

And it is kind hearted
And it is forgiving
And it is kissing my forehead
And letting me breathe

I know this is going to
Be a good one
Dec 2016 · 886
blue slip
Morgan Dec 2016
i wasn't a normal kid
and it wasn't easy to hide,

no pretty little princess night light
fastened to a peach wall
in a brick house

i watched the street lights flicker
through a gap in the blinds,
talking to you in my head
like,

"i hope your hands are still soft
i hope your teeth are still crooked
i hope you follow the street lights,
count your way to my house,
and sleep beside me
in my bed"

i left the window open
in the winter
cause i thought
you were the wind

the cold kept me up
and i liked it cause
i was afraid
of the pictures in my head
when sleep left me
powerless,
out of control

i never liked
losing control

one foot
in front of the other
...
always coaching
myself in my head
about things that
hardly mattered

12 years small,
afraid of mistakes
afraid of rejection
afraid of death
and friendship
and grief
and loving

falling asleep at school the next day
chipping my front tooth
on a ceramic desk,
and holding my breath

i never cried
in occupied spaces

i never asked for help

i never said,
"something's not right"
even though
those words lived
on the tip of my tongue
for years on end

they noticed the shadows under my eyes
but it was too late,
14 & poisoned
by loss and
guilt and
this growing fear
that made it
hard to speak
without my voice
breaking

no one knew
how to treat me
my mom didn't let me
lock doors
or wear long sleeves

when you hung yourself
the noose came after me

you were gone in minutes
i stayed gasping for air
and fighting
for years

i'm twenty-two now
and it's no miracle
i made it

i ******* scratched
at the roof of the coffin
you nailed me in
til my finger nails bled
and the wood split
just enough
for my lungs
to stop straining

you doomed me from
such a young age
i have trouble deciphering
where your death ends
and my personality begins

i am drenched in your blood
everything i touch is tainted
by the memory of your brother's
shaky voice through a landline receiver

i can't take a ******* shower,
open a letter,
tie my shoes,
brew a coffee,
say a word,
skip a class,
put on lipstick,
breathe
for ****'s sake
without the weight
of your blue, cold body
cracking my chest

they pulled me out of
a seventh grade class room
to say,
"they took him off life support"

and i didn't ask questions
and i knew what that meant
and i fought back tears,
swallowed them,
this dry lump
in my throat
and i never spoke
of you again

i was so small

how could you

"we got a dud
i think she's broken"
i imagined those lines
dancing through my mom's mind

and i blinked hard
i cut deep
i stayed home
i stayed asleep

i wasn't a normal kid,
it wasn't easy to hide

defined by death
answering to your crimes

you took your life
but you may as well have
taken mine
Dec 2016 · 819
Bottomless Bathtub
Morgan Dec 2016
Reverting back to my teenaged years
I pressed a razor into my thigh

I liked the way the blood
Mixed with the raspberry & vanilla
Suds in the bathtub
To make this ombré
Of maroon fading
To peach

My brain's been itchy
For weeks

I am overwhelmed
And imaginaing
The bathtub
With no bottom

Drowning
In a ceramic hole
That leads nowhere

My body
Wrapped
In
Raspberry
And Vanilla
Soap suds,
And my hair
Wet
And long
Between my
Shoulder blades

I wanna be
As pretty
As the ocean,

A perfect shade
Of baby blue,
With navy
And purple
Accents
In the deepest
Spaces

And I wanna be
Just as infinite
As the ocean,
Incomprehensible
To the modern
Human mind,

Everlasting
& Impossible

Went to take a bath

In a room with no windows

Disappeared
Without a trace

And no one will ever know
The bottom is an illusion

There is so much more
Beneath,
To dive in
Or die in

my mind
UNRAVELS
and lands here
At the brink
Of reality
And delusion

And I stay here
Because it's easy

And it's kinda silly

And no one is angry,

Not even me

But eventually

The water
Runs cold
And I start to feel
My
Heart beat
In my finger tips

And as I take the trip
Back to my body
I dread the dizziness
I know is waiting
On the other side

Cause I cut too deep
And now I have to
Explain myself
In the back of
An ambulance

And,
And,
And,
"Morgan,
Aren't you too
******* old for this?"

Oh,
How I'm homesick
Homesick
Inside of myself
Morgan Nov 2016
Tried to drown it
In razor blades
And crash diets,
Nicotine,
And self-induced *****

It swam back up to the surface
Angrier
And emptier
Than ever

I tried to
Occupy the space
With violent ***,
And tender kisses,
Fruit bowls,
And running shoes

It tore it all to shreds,
And growled at me,
Hungrier than ever

I tried to soften its edges
With poetry
And paint brushes
And some self-help book
From the sale bin
In target

It only got
More rigged,
I kept slicing
My fingertips wide open
On its corners

Like a shooting star
It would burst
& disperse
At night,

Breaking open like glass
And bleeding me dry
From the inside out

When I moved back into my sister's
She told me that she saw this coming...

Everyone always feels it inching closer,
But no one ever tells me to
Move out of the way
Until it's too late

You can't **** The Void
And you can't fill it either

You can only give it
New life

You can only plant flowers
In the center of it,

Where the earth is damp,
Dark, and frozen,

And you can hope that
On certain summer
Mornings
When you feel safe
And free
And welcome in your own body
The sunlight might make its way
Into your belly and
Nourish your flowers,

And that one day
You'll have collected enough
Sunshine
To say

The Void is no longer a
Graveyard
It's a
Garden
And I'm not
Afraid
(i'm no expert but i'm here if you need me)
Nov 2016 · 2.3k
Cotton Candy Clitoris
Morgan Nov 2016
I know you think
I wear lipstick everyday
And my hands always
Smell like
Chai tea and raspberries

I know you think
My tongue always
Tastes like
Melted sugar
And peppermint

I know you think
I sleep in the same lace
Underwear
You find me in
On certain Sundays
In the spring
When the air is light
And my jeans
Don't stick
To my thighs

I know you think
I'm larger than life

Above chipped teeth
And bruises
And cigarette ash
And acne

I know you think
My eyes don't turn
Blood red
And poison
When I cry

I know you think
My finger nails
Are always
Freshly painted

And I always wear
A bra
That fits

I know you think
Yoga pants are
My comfy clothes,
Never gray sweat pants
With a faded red stain
Between my legs

I know you think
My calves are always
Soft, hairless, and toned

You think
I wait by the phone
With vanilla incense
Burning in a red robe

But you're wrong
And that's impossible

I won't let you in
Cause I won't be
The one
To shatter
Your whole
Pretty, little world

I'm disgusting
Sometimes

I sleep with
Way too many
Girls and guys

And sometimes I cry so much
My eyelids peel
Til I look like
Leather face
And I don't leave my house
For 8 days

And in those 8 days
I shower
Maybe twice

My skin gets rough
In the winter

Right now
I have a
Pimple on
My left shoulder
And every morning
It looks a little
Meaner

My ***** spill
Out over the top
And the sides
Of my favorite
Sport's bra

And I don't care

I smell like burnt oil
And cheap hair dye
Half of the time

I haven't washed
My sheets in a while
And they smell like
Salt water
And chlorine

You put me up on a pedestal
From which I refuse to fall

So I'll stay here,
Far,
Untouchable

You'll never love me
With sticky tampons
In my garbage can
And half drank beer bottles
On my bedroom floor

I'll stay here,
Far,
Untouchable,

Safe
Nov 2016 · 523
Break My Ribs to be Narrow
Morgan Nov 2016
Last time you leaned against my bedroom wall,
You told me that I'm just "not enough" anymore,

But I've been thinking a lot about that lately
And I've determined
Maybe,
I'm not enough

Maybe,
I'm more than enough

Maybe,
I'm too much

Maybe,
You can't hold my hips
In your hands

Maybe,
They're too wide

Maybe I sprawl out too far
In your bed

Maybe,
My heart doesn't fit right in my chest

Maybe,
It's bigger than yours

Bigger than her's

And maybe
My voice is too heavy

Maybe,
It cuts the silence with too much force

Maybe,
You need less of me

Perhaps
While you're gone off
I'll learn
How to whisper

How to leave
Before I'm finished

How to curl into a ball,

How to make my limbs short,

My body small

Perhaps
While you're in space

I'll take up less space

I'll stop skipping steps,

Jumping off of staircases
Just because I can...

I'll be gentle,

Quiet,

Soft,

I'll fade into the background

And when you feel like
Leaning against my bedroom wall again

I won't stare into your chest
With eyes that burn holes
Through galaxies...

I'll just tilt my head
And look at your feet
Vacantly

I'll make you feel

Bigger

I'll be small

Smaller

Smaller

Until
I

Deteriorate

Or

Evaporate

And then
You'll stand
Beside my
Ashes

And then
Only then

You'll say

"I loved her anyway"
Nov 2016 · 446
Pace Maker
Morgan Nov 2016
I know I'm the only one who can save me
I know you aren't big enough to make me whole
I know my pain is darker than anyone is bright
But right now I need a reason to wake up
I need a reason to feed myself
Or I swear to god
I'll sleep until
I starve to death
Or just fade into
The emptiness

I need your words
Like subsistence
To hold my brain over
Until I can bear
To give it what it needs
On my own

I never wanna be

Without you

But I know

We die alone

And

I need to know

How to breathe

When you're

Not here

You

Can't

Always

Be

Here

I know

I know

I'm clingy

But I'm really

Really

Afraid

Of the

Dark

And

You are
The

Only

Source
Of

Light

Left
In my

World
Nov 2016 · 441
Suburbia, Red-Handed
Morgan Nov 2016
Have you ever seen
A loved one
Floating in the sky...
Fastened to a rafter
Blue and broken
With the fear
And the anger
Still hot in their eyes?

Have you ever seen
A loved one
With clouds forming
In the corners of their mouth...
A needle hanging from
A protruding vein...
Poison still
Running laps
Beneath their skin?

Have you ever seen
A loved one
Tangled in
Metal and broken glass...
Radio still playing,
Blood still flowing out?

I hope you find a place
That's safe and warm
And stimulating
And ******* real

Cause,
We used to think drinking
Whisky out of mason jars
Made us interesting
But now we know
We drank whisky out of mason jars
To escape our pain & our boredom
Just like everyone else

Well,
Boredom ate my friends...
Swallowed them whole...
Left them begging,
Begging for more

My dad said,
"Leave now
While the roads
Are still clear"

There's a better me
On her way out the door
Nov 2016 · 961
Morphine Drip Politics
Morgan Nov 2016
I get paid to make bonds with terminally ill people of all ages & I'll tell you what I've learned:

On your death bed
It won't matter
Whether or not
You changed the world,
All you'll want
Is someone to talk to
(So be nice. Hold on to your friends.)
Morgan Nov 2016
I'd hang your flaws
In picture frames
All over my bed room walls
Before I'd look twice at
Their qualities

And I'd kiss the stab wounds
In your back
Before I'd reach out my hand
To save their sinking halos

I'd rather be a comfort
Battling alongside you
In your worst nightmare
Than live a single day
Of ease
In their
Dream world

I know this isn't what we
Had hoped for
When our parents
Read us fairytales

But my mind is only
Quiet when you speak,
I only feel at ease
Between your sheets

So,
I'll listen to you sobbing
In a cold, concrete stairwell
Every day
And I'll ignore
All the soft songs
They sing in warm
Living rooms
All over the city
If it means we can
Go home together
Again

If we're a stretch,
I'll reach for you
Until my arms fall off

If this is suicide,
I'll hang this noose
With so much pride
Nov 2016 · 315
Pretty Shitty Sailor
Morgan Nov 2016
You have split knuckles,
Dry blood on your fists

You've got crooked teeth,
Chapped lips,

Dark blue eyes,
And deep dimples

You have my heart
In the cracks between your knuckles
You have my heart in the space
between your teeth
You have my heart all over your lips,
You bite down
& I bleed

I'm always falling in & out of the holes
Near the corners of your mouth,

I am an anchor
Held down beneath the tears
that fall like waves from
The navy sea you navigate

My lungs haven't taken on
This much water
Since the last time
I fell in love

It's harder to breathe by the second
And I know now
That you're no lifeguard,

I'm completely ******

I'll drown in you
And you won't even notice

I'll drown in you
Will you even care?

It's not up to me anymore
The wind takes me by the sails
I'm crashing into your chest
Like an iceberg
This is how it ends,

This is how it ends
Morgan Nov 2016
You have such pretty eyes
They remind me all of the time
of how much I hate mine

It hurts so ******* much
To love
When you've crafted
A perfectly secluded life
Based solely on self-hate

I asked my psychiatrist
If my condition is terminal,
And he said
"That's up to you"
But I puke each morning
At a quarter to two
And it never feels like
A decision at all

I asked my psychiatrist
If I should be bedridden
And he said
"If you want to"
But I've never wanted
To live in silence
At twenty-two
And still I can't even move
So how can you say
I approve?

It's really hard
To align the lightness
And the darkness
In my mind
To make that pretty indigo color
That sanity comes in

I think in a muted grey
A dark yellow haze
Slashes of army green
That seep crimson red
All set over black
And it's always running together
Making these ugly swirls
That sting in the shower

I'm broken
I know that
Without a doubt

My psychiatrist said
"There's no such thing
As a broken human"

But I am consumed by this poison
To which there is no anti-venom,
And I feel like a walking infection,
Pumping veins full of OxyContin
Just to take the edge off

I won't survive this
& everyone knows it
Nov 2016 · 340
Countering Poison
Morgan Nov 2016
I wish my hands had ghosts of their own,
That could pass through walls
Without chipping paint,
That could swim through oceans
Without making waves,
And that could penetrate skin
Without drawing blood

I would reach inside your skull,
No matter how far from my bed
You lie awake,
And I'd pull out all the fear
That collects in the
Grooves of your brain
And I'd drop it in the gravel,
And squash it like a cigarette ****
Between my thumb & pointer fingers,
And once it lost its flame
I'd put it back inside your
Pretty head
Just so you could feel
how small it really is,
How powerless,
How easy to extinguish

Then I'd catch the rain
That is constantly falling
From your eyes,
I'd hold it in front of your nose
So you can see
Its softness as
It drains between
My knuckles,
How it nourishes the soil,
How gentle it really is
When it makes it to the ground

You are vibrant
And you are safe

You are vibrant
And you are safe

I'd dip my finger in charcoal
And write that all across
Your windows
Until I could feel the anxiety
Slow in your heart beat,
Until I could feel the calm
Crawling into bed with you,
Cradling you to sleep

I'd trace the letters
To make the words,
"You are strong
And nothing can hurt you"
Across your chest

This may feel like a nightmare
But you are a dream
And you are made of so much more

My hands don't have ghosts,

But if there are live wires
That pump energy
From every heart
to every other,
I hope you,
Each of you,
Who see your life
Being drained of its
Beauty by the ****** hands
Of hate and bigotry
Feel the weight of all the love
I'm sending you

Even through all the cruelty
That overwhelms you,
I hope you feel the weight
of all the love I'm sending you,

And I hope you know
No matter what
That you are poetry
You are art
You are power
And you won't
Crumble
And you won't
Fade away

I hope you feel the weight
Of all the blooming
Flowers who look up to you
To keep your cleansing light
In a polluted sky
**** Trump
Nov 2016 · 427
Bruises Forming
Morgan Nov 2016
The morning air freezes in my lungs,
My chest tightens
My hands are too weak
To hold the panic down,
It rises up from the ground
And wraps itself around my ribcage

The cold has me exhausted
And it's only November

I need to stay focused now

More pain is coming

I take the frost on my windsheild
Like a glaring warning:

"Breathe now.
This is the calm
Before the storm"

I feel like the mountains are laughing,
They see what's coming before it
Reaches us
And they know how ill prepared
We'll always be

They think it's pretty funny,
The heats up all the way
But it's only circulating
Bitter air
In a tauntingly rhythmic
Motion

I am staring into blank space,
Snow blind
And shaking

You are where the pavement is warm
All year long,
And no one ever asks
You to feel their blue hand
On your pale cheek bone
So how do you know what
Sorrow tastes like?

Yeah, I've cried in the warm sun
But it's a unique depression
When it feels exactly like
the whole coast is crying with you

I let every call go to voicemail,
I need more bad news like
A hole in the throat

This is when the overdoses
Start to pile up

My friends are broken
I'm glad I never got there

The cigarette in my hand
Is shivering
While I hold it out
Into the elements,
Unprotected
It fights the stillness,
The thickness,
The grayness
Of Almost-Winter
With its small bit
Of raging fire
But it stands no chance
And as soon as the center
Gets damp,
It starts to taste like cancer
So I drop it over ice...
Watch it try to follow my car,
Watch it fail
And extinguish
Into the ground

That reminds me
I should really call you back
But I'm so tired baby

And sometimes
Maintaining anything
Feels pretty pointless

The earth inhales,
Kinda wheezes,
It sounds too much
like the last three gasps
Of a dying man

Do you know what it's like
To be as tired as the day you're in?

Days are never tired in the south

You'll never know darkness like a northerner

We can smell the bruises forming
Nov 2016 · 773
Diet Coke
Morgan Nov 2016
We watched three DVDs of Elvis
on the Ed Sullivan show,
Just to find you waving in the crowd
for a quarter of a second

It was brief
But to see you so young
And gentle and light
Was worth the hours
Of black & white tv
And jokes that are no longer funny

The first night I met you
You asked me if I was a writer
And I asked how you knew

You said it takes one to know one

I read your poetry for three hours
In Indian style on your living room floor
While you ate crackers from a ziplock bag
And talked about the love of your life
And the way his chest felt
The first time you used it as a pillow

You told me not to cry
When Elijah dumped me
You said pain is everywhere,
I'll miss out on life
If I let it consume me

I turned to leave your room
On a random Sunday last December,
It was cold and wet and dark,
And I was tired,
You grabbed my hand
And stopped me in my tracks
You said "learn to relax"
And then you held me still
Until you saw the anxiety
melt out of my eyes

I asked you why you
Bother to keep the car
Even though you know
You'll never drive it
You asked me why
I bother to love the sick
Even though I know
They're dying

You told me "don't close the blinds,
The world is beautiful"
Last time I came to say goodnight

You kept making plans,
Where you'd go after you left here
Even though "here" was certainly
The last place you'd be

I never understood
Why you kept pretending;
Pretending there was more

I get it now, Peggy
I know
Oct 2016 · 882
Letters From The Boxspring
Morgan Oct 2016
Good morning,
It's a beautiful day
to romanticize my own death

Good morning,
My brain is doing this
Brand new ****** up thing
And it's hardly 8 AM

I used to know how to float
Now I'm drowning

I used to know how to keep my distance
Now my feet are dangling over the edge

And I have this constant feeling in my stomach
Like I'm already falling

And I'd ask you to talk me down
But we haven't been talking

And I'd ask you to hold my hand
But you can't reach me
From where I've been hiding

I don't know
What it is
About this bed
That's begun to feel
Like a coffin

I drink coffee at night
And pills in the morning

I am tired
But not for a
Lack of sleeping

My dad has a doctorate degree
In civil law

I'm 22 and a freshman
With very little direction

I've been disappointed in myself for so long
But I haven't done much to change it

I thought maybe yoga
Would enlighten me
But I don't like the way
My body looks
When it bends

I thought maybe
A boy could save me
From feeling ugly
But he doesn't like they way
My body looks
When it bends

And he doesn't say it

He doesn't say much at all

But I could tell,

I was born intuitive

And I've been trying
Lately
To shake it

Cause everyone's thoughts
Are cold and painful

And I don't wanna see them
Anymore

I get paid
to bathe people,
to feed them,
to do their laundry,
And to make them smile,
But they still tell me
Right before they fall asleep
At night,
Right before I finally get
To leave them,
That I'm going to Hell
For the pictures in my skin
That I thought I needed
When I got them

I just wanna love something

I just wanna feel loved sometimes

There's a broken heart
on my right bicep
With a banner through it
That reads "myself"
And I'd say it's pretty honest

I've been breaking my own heart
Since I learned how to be
Introspective
When I was eight

I've been breaking my own heart

I just wanna be kind
To myself
And to the boy
Who holds me
And to the friends
Who call me
And to the family
Who supports me

I just wanna be kind
To my mind
And to my body

Show me how
To be decent

I'm so cruel
Anymore
Oct 2016 · 596
Gut Punch
Morgan Oct 2016
I got elbowed in the stomach
At 9 o'clock tonight

I was working
And the woman
I was working for
Stole the wind
Right out of my lungs

And I bit my tongue

And I swallowed blood

Which tasted like
Rusted metal,
Salt water,

And acidic anger
Burning in my gums

I don't get paid enough
To feel like my ribs are breaking;
Trying so hard not to cry
I'm literally shaking

Well, ****,
I have no one to talk to

My best friend called
An hour later
To tell me all about
The party she's going to
With kaylee and alexa;
She's dressing as Crown Royal,
I don't know what that means
And I don't ******* care

She doesn't ask how I am
And I don't tell her
She doesn't really wanna know
And I don't really wanna say it

There's a distance

A fluctuation in her voice
That reaches a place
My ears can't get to

I don't hear her sometimes
When she talks about the things
She loves

And I don't know why

Why I'm so disconnected
From twenty-two

I'm not above it-
I like to think I'm not beneath it-
Maybe just floating somewhere
In the atmosphere that surrounds it

My boyfriend is much prettier
Than anything my hands have ever held
And his voice is softer than
The blanket I bought Kiernan
On her birthday,
The one she doesn't use...

He's really deep
When he's sleepy

He makes no judgement
When I'm angry

He isn't coping
With his condition
Lately

But I've never coped with mine
So who am I to mention

I guess I'm just feeling weak
I'm just feeling kinda hazy
I'm just feeling sorta empty

I'm just feeling

Feeling

A little bit
Too much

Feeling

Maybe
Just not enough
Oct 2016 · 294
Ruins of Nothing, Anyway
Morgan Oct 2016
I'm sick and tired
And I know you're
Sick and tired
Of the details

I promise
From the bottom of my heart
I'm trying my best
Not to fall the **** apart

Nothing happens over night
But if nothing changes
I won't make it

You keep calling after midnight
And asking for forgiveness
But I'm the one who did this

I'm the one who did this

And I've been sleeping in
But not actually sleeping

And I've been asking questions
I know the answers to
Just hoping
One day it'll be different

I'm waiting on the edge of my seat
For the exact moment
When I realize
I've definitely ****** this up...
It's always on the tip of my tongue,
Just a breath from slipping,

I will hurt myself
Bending over backward
Not to hurt you

And it won't matter
Because we'll both
Curse ourselves to sleep
In separate beds
Anyway

I've tried everything
To get you out of my head
Since the day I met you
Because you are in the south
And the west is always whispering
Sweet nothings in my ears

But you're always
In my dreams
No matter what
I take to get to sleep

And I wake up disappointed
Every morning
I wake up disappointed
Oct 2016 · 324
Frost Bite
Morgan Oct 2016
I'm going back to Florida because
I can't bear the roads that raised me,
The way they seem to sink into the soil
A little more every year,
And how they're littered with all of our mistakes,
Half smoked cigarettes dancing in the wind,
This isn't where I thought I'd be at 22

I didn't say goodbye the last time I left,
Because it wouldn't have been for you

I'm the one who fell into the hole you created
When you smashed your fist into the wall
And told me I wasn't strong enough
For anything at all

You never even stumbled
You leaped over it
And never went back
To throw roses down in it
Or ask for forgiveness

You're better at leaving
Than I am at living

But I'm going back to Florida;
There's a boy in Orlando
With eyes bluer than yours
are even when you cry
And he doesn't
Think the anxiety in my spine
Is too acidic to touch
He runs his fingers up it
All of the time
And he's not afraid
Of the way my lips shake
When I start to break
And he doesn't look away
When he tells me he's mine

The cold in the north
The warmth in the south...
It isn't just the weather

The kids I grew up with
Are angry
And drunk;
The town I called home
Is frozen from the inside
And I've been frost bitten
One too many times
Morgan Oct 2016
I didn't ask to be like this,
Sitting on a bar stool in south Philly,
Hoping no one notices the water in my fist
Because I don't drink,
And I can't decide if that matters

I didn't ask to be like this,
Counting tiles as I walk through them,
Hoping no one notices
the concentration in my teeth,
Because I can barely breathe,
And I can't decide if I want to

Liking the rain doesn't make you interesting,
it makes you half-past 20 in northern PA,
And saying whatever is on your mind
doesn't make you edgy,
It makes you obnoxious...
It makes me think just maybe
You talk a little bit too much,
And tequila shots don't make you brave,
They make you sound like an 18 year old,
Just as lost, just as confused, just as scared-
But less articulate for sure,
Your matte red lips aren't deep,
Your matte red lips match mine
& every other woman in this ******* bar,
I didn't come here to talk about acid trips,
Or the hypocrisy in your politics,
I didn't come here to make friends,
Ever think I just wanted to sit?

I haven't spoken a word out loud
In six weeks and three days,
So I'm sorry if my voice shakes

I don't go outside for much anymore
So I'm sorry if your blinded by my complexion

I work at a nursing home
And I'm nearly as dead
As the patients,
The failure in my brain
Is a little different
But I'm equally exhausted
By my inadequacies

Without a lack of trying
I'm begging for the strength
To slit my own throat,
Because I don't feel like
Showing up for an other day

My diagnosis is a list 6 pages long
Full of initialisms that
end in the letter "D"
For Disorder

And I promise my tattoos
Are not an invitation for conversation,
So don't look so confused
When I get up and walk away
From you

I keep telling my boyfriend
Not to fall in love with me
Even though I've been
In love with him all along

I keep telling my boyfriend
To protect himself
Because I've been on my way out
Since I turned sixteen,

I say,
"I never thought I'd make it to
twenty-two, but please remember
I didn't stay to be with you"

I'm always trying to save
Bright eyed people,
Full of swirling galaxies,
And light
From the way I seem to
hallow them out,

I'm sorry I stayed in bed
With the tick inside my head
Again this week,
Don't forgive me
Sep 2016 · 882
Bruises
Morgan Sep 2016
I swear with all my heart
Every boy I've ever loved
has wanted me to hurt

He set up a picnic
over the rail road tracks
just to watch the weight
of the train crush
my ribcage

And he laughed when
I asked why he'd do that...
Why he'd pretend that
this was lovely,
all the while knowing
that it would be ******

He laughed
and the butterflies
in my stomach
danced to the beat
of the breath between
his ivory teeth

And then I wonder why
pain is comforting,
And I wonder why
I feel alive
only when I cry

He said,
"This won't hurt a bit"
And then he ripped
my arm from the socket,
As I swooned over the
touch of his hand over mine

I said,
"I don't wanna be in agony"
And he said,
"Then stay the hell away from me"

And I could never decide
Which would cause more injury
Morgan Aug 2016
Smoking a cigarette,
With my knees touching the ocean's edge;
A display of life and death-
The shortness of my breath,
Over the vastness of the ocean

All at once
The world seems
So small,
Captured in the filter
Between my finger tips,
And yet,
So big,
I can't imagine
All of the people
Looking into
The same sea as me

That's how it felt to
Fall in love with the right person
At the wrong time

Like certain death
And endless potential
Without gravity,
And anchored to the ground
In the same night

Like roaming aimlessly,
The entire universe
In front of me,
But hitting a brick wall
Before I even got
To see the sun set

I can't tell anymore
What was real
And what was hopeful,
If we are star crossed lovers,
Or two depressed kids
Who couldn't hold it together,
Not even for each other

Is there more to this than
You've let yourself believe?
Or, are you right?
Was it just wrong?
Does the space between us
Even need to exist
To keep us apart,
Or would we be in separate beds
Anyway?
Aug 2016 · 673
Sink Hole
Morgan Aug 2016
Blowing kisses to the Carolina's,
I have a migraine that won't give.
I thought if I took my body
955 miles away from your body,
I'd lose interest in the contents of your soul,
But I was wrong again.
It feels like I'm wrong all of the time lately.

And I keep telling boys with pretty eyes
and traditional tattoos that
I love them,
and I wanna believe that I do,
that I'm even capable of loving
any man that isn't you,
but somewhere in the back
of my skull,
hidden under the debris
of every foundation I tried
to build over the memory
of your chest,
there is a sink hole
that I keep pushing them into.

I kissed a boy with black grease
on his finger tips, tan skin,
and big brown eyes.
For a moment I thought
I wouldn't mind
taking care of him.

But I woke up in the middle
of the night,
his arm slung over my rib cage,
his dreaming breath against my neck,

And I didn't wonder what
the pictures behind his eyelids looked like
or what his voice sounds like first thing
in the morning when there is still a bit
of sleep caught in his throat.

I just squirmed out from under his touch,
rolled over to face a white wall,
and wondered if you were lying on your back
starring into your ceiling,
Or eating chicken wings at
the foot of your bed.
I smiled to myself for a second
imagining you smoking
a blunt in the driver's seat of your
beat up SUV,
looking into the stars longingly.

And then I swung my feet
onto his unfamiliar vinyl floor
and slipped into a bathroom
down the hall.
Splashing cold water against
my flush skin
to shock the pain
out of my forehead.
Shivering to the image
of myself staring back at me
in a bathroom that I didn't recognize,
I wondered if I'd ever
get your fingers out of my spine

I hate who I am
when I'm pretending
not to miss you

But I hate who I am
but I hate who I am
I hate who I am

And I miss you
I really really
miss you
Morgan Jul 2016
How much liquid must collect
in one space before we call it a flood?
Cause the current's picking up
on me & no one seems to notice

Have you ever felt
your ribs shifting
around inside of you?
No pain,
just an acute awareness
that you are in fact
nothing more than
a contrivance of instruments
working together to exist,
To live,
To stay

That's kinda how it feels when
you're trying to catch your breath
but the oxygen can't find your lungs...

It feels like
Knowing

Knowing
that you are
Fragile

And there's fear
but it's quiet---
muffled like
your wheezing

When he left that morning
I actually felt his absence,
In my hands-
The emptiness was tangible
For the first time-

I reached for the back of his shirt
and he shook me away before
I could pull him into me

His cheap detergent
left a starchy film
on my finger tips

And I knew
that was the last time

Like when the faucet runs cold
Before you're finished bathing
- You feel ***** all day

I felt ***** all day

I just want to know
Less

I don't want to be so
Full of all of this

He smells like
salt water
He smells like
cherry incense
He smells like
soft cologne
And
a lit cigarette
He smells like
fresh winter air-
His skin is warm
But his kiss is cold

I couldn't
Stop
The drifting

I couldn't
Stop
The wandering

I couldn't
Stop
The leaving

He was never
Going to
Stay

Why am I like this,
Still to this day?
Jul 2016 · 784
Deer in the Headlights
Morgan Jul 2016
I'm a deer in the headlights,
I'm pacing back and forth
I don't know whether to run
forward or step back
There is darkness where I came from
but I can't see ahead

I'm somewhere between
vibrant red and navy blue

My roommate is vomiting
in the bathroom.
I turn up the television,
and pretend not to hear her

I'm a deer in the headlights,
I can't see the face that sits
behind the steering wheel

I imagine she's soft and gentle,
she'll let me pass & I'll be safe

But what if she's sharp and angry,
she'll strike me down & I'll bleed out

My roommate convulses on
the cold tile floor,

There is sweat rolling off her
rib cage

I find her half conscious,
and I don't believe this is happening again

My back aches
but only in one place

I wonder if it's you,
griping me from behind,
trying desperately to pull me backward

Or maybe my back just aches,
and I think too much

I tried to make a friend again today,
and ended up naked & empty,
fumbling around his sheets,
trying to get out of my mind

I don't think I'm doing this right
cause I feel like a deer in the headlights,
and I miss my mother,
and I know she'd slap the cigarette
right out of my hand,
and then she'd kiss my forehead,
and I'd feel better

I'm tripping over gravel,
Pacing back and forth
The yellow light creates a straight line
And I keep following it to the same place

There's been a song stuck in
my head for three days
and 8 & a half hours,
I can't focus on anything else

I told a boy I hate
that I love him,
just because I like the
way it sounded as it rolled off my lips
And I knew I'd get high off the look in his eyes

Maybe that's my whole problem-
Start to finish,
Plain and simple,
I just wanna be liked
And I never have been

Can't tell if I'm useless
or too used-
Can I be both at the same time?

I'm a deer in the headlights,
trying to find my way back to my mother,
going blind from the colors

I'm a deer in the headlights...

Mom,
If you can hear me now,
I'm so sorry for who I am
Jun 2016 · 925
Shift
Morgan Jun 2016
I can't really focus on
the cigarette between my
finger tips because the
neon sign in the window of the
smoke shop across the street
is always flickering in my peripherals

And my mom called me
from Delaware as I was
walking on the beach
behind my apartment

I can hear the waves crashing
through the phone as she
struggled to speak over them
And I wanted to be five,
holding her hand across
the shoreline

I miss the way
my mom smells
when she gets out of the shower
Like warm melted sugar
And vanilla extract

The poppy flower
tattooed on my ankle
is distorted under water
and I wish I were sitting
on Poppy's lap in the kitchen
while Nonny dances between
the stove and him

I just wanna be held again,
Frozen in time where I am
always safe, always protected

I stepped on a sea shell,
lying side ways and my
foot bled into the wet sand
And I wondered
if I'd ever feel warm again

Not the kind of warmth
you get under the Florida sun
mid-July on your way home
from work

The kind of warmth
you get when you're
smaller than your mother
and curled into a ball
on her chest

I wanna shrink
so my dad can lift me
from the couch to my bed
while I pretend to still be sleeping
in his arms,
I don't open my eyes
because I don't want him to put me down
against the hard wood,
I know I can walk
but why would I?

I wanna shrink,
to the size of the fish
splashing through
the shallow water
near my toes

I wanna swim against the current,
I wanna defy gravity,
I wanna stop time

My mind is racing now,
and I'm not sure how to slow
it down

I wanna sit in a sail boat
on Lake Winola,
watch my cousin
in her life vest
floating in the water,
Soaking in the sun

I'm positive that I'll
never feel the peace
her hands gave me,
when she'd braid my
hair on her bedroom floor
in the spring time

There is a distance
that's greater than space,
a distance further than
flight schedules or
gasoline prices,
A distance that
grows over time,
even if we stand still,
A distance that forms
along our spine,
It straightens our
stature and refuses
to let us crumble
into the arms of our mothers

I miss standing on the couch
with my sisters, waiting
for my dad to yell,
"Don't wreck the furniture"
through his bedroom door...
We loved to wonder
how he knew what we were
doing without looking...
I liked to imagine
there were strings between
our hearts and his,
he could feel when we moved,
when we stood,
and when we sat

I wish those strings hadn't
deterorated as all of us aged

I wanna feel safe,
just one last time
Jun 2016 · 446
Delusions of Grandeur
Morgan Jun 2016
I'm the patron saint of lost causes,
You're the priest who's covered in bruises

I found you at the edge of the ocean,
The tide brushing your knee caps
And your fists buried in the sand,
With a cigarette dangling out the corner
Of your lips,

You wouldn't look me in the eyes
when I swallowed dry spit
to ask you what the ****
you were doing

You said,
"I walked and
I was gonna keep walking
endlessly into the waves
until my lungs filled
with salt water
and my brain finally
stopped squirming"

I knew that
was the case
before you said it,
And I wanted to tell you
I'd be lost without you...
But I'm lost anyway
And you ******* know it

I wanted to say,
"I'll always love you"
But 'always' doesn't mean
much coming from a person
Who's given themselves
about four months to live

So I leaned back
and let the sea wet my scalp

Drunk,
And tired
I realize
We're really bad at
being 20-somethings
Cause we're always searching
for the most peaceful place to fall apart

We didn't come out here,
to live on the beach
so we could have bonfires
under the pier
and drink margaritas with
tan friends...
That's what we've led
the world to believe,
And maybe even ourselves
some days

But at the core of it,
we know,
we came out here
to cry where it's quiet...
To listen to the water
washing over
the chaotic whirlwind
of our ever-growing anxiety

It rains every day at 4 PM,
And we sit outside
completely silent

When lightening strikes the sky
it reminds me of the color
your veins turn
when you're six drinks in
and digging into your wrist
with your acrylics,
That electric blue
that lingers behind my eyelids

We just wanna be normal
I hope we get there,
On some city rooftop,
High in the spring time
Morgan May 2016
i was glass when you found me,
you knew how fragile i was,
just cleared from the hospital,
just learning how to sleep again
without getting woken up
every thirty minutes for vitals
and medication

i was glass when you found me,
you held me in your palms
like a waterglobe,
occasionally swaying me from
side to side
to see what i was like inside

i was glass when you found me,
glistening and elegant
but desperately scared
of falling off the ledge,
like the vase on our dresser-
daisies in my hair,
but potential tragedy everywhere

i leaned into you
and begged you to hold me up

you didn't drop me on accident

i didn't slip from your grip

you didn't lose me
in a tired haze
or a lapse of judgement

you threw me into the gravel
with your arm up over your head
and your eyes closed

you broke me
into fifty different pieces;
a graveyard of sharp edges,
a garden of glistening truths,
dimmed by the hovering hand
of dirt and sand

now boys are afraid
to pick me up off the ground,
i'm still right where you left me,
cause i'm not worth a cut on a hand,

no one will bleed for me,
not in this town

and to think,
all i wanted was to *******,
i never meant to love you,
all i wanted was to *******,
i wish i never met you
May 2016 · 365
grey
Morgan May 2016
-
i'm not killing time
i'm surrendering to it

i was picking up slack
until it started twisting
around my ankles
and working it's way
toward my neck

now i'm hardly breathing
and i'm scared speechless
of breaking a nail,
because there's very little
left of me
and i can't afford
to lose an other piece

i drove to florida
in my leased elantra,
i hoped 16 hours
with my thoughts
would allow some clarity

but it rained the whole way
and the fog never lifted,
i spent ten hours counting
the miles i'd be paying
for at the end of the month
and six hours counting
the times you promised
you'd come home
and never did

i hope you're safe
out there in the grey
May 2016 · 463
queen of broken promises
Morgan May 2016
i took a handful of trazodone,
threw my head back
and counted the cracks
in your porcelain skin,
from memory

for two years
i've chanted
"if he hurts you again,
i swear i'll **** him"

but everyone knows
i'm the queen of broken promises

i took a handful of trazodone
and did nothing at all
Morgan May 2016
i've been nauseous every day this week
because i've been staying up until
the sun rises trying to remember
the way your eyes look
when you're in love

and i know
the universe is huge,
i'm always moving from place to place
but of everywhere i've ever been
the only place i ever crave
is your creeky back porch,
with the chipped green paint,
that i'd always peel back
when we were fighting
and i was anxious

still when my heart drops
and my hands shake
i wanna peel back
that chipped green paint
-

-

the night before you
slammed my front door
for the last time,
you were curled up in a ball
on the opposite side of the mattress,
and i was wishing you'd hold me
but i kind of knew you never would again

i said,
"i know nothing lasts forever
but i thought we were worth a miracle"

and you said,
"my apathy just got the best of me,
i don't feel you in my fingertips,
you don't send shivers
down my spine,
not anymore.
& i just don't miss
you when you leave,
your kisses never stick,
not anymore."

-

-
today i woke up
feeling like i never slept
and yesterday i went to bed
feeling like i was never even awake
...
venus keeps cartwheeling
backwards and no one knows why;
stars keep falling right out of the sky
and you're the only thing
that's been on my mind
May 2016 · 680
burned witch's resurrection
Morgan May 2016
my hands are stitched in love, i'm an ever-growing garden of laugh lines, my eyes are swirling galaxies of patience, my thoughts are made with care & carried out with passion, when the walls move closer to me & my heart starts beating too fast, there's a voice in the back of my skull that whispers "slow down. this too shall pass."

& you are that voice in the back of my skull,
the passion in my actions,
the care in my thoughts,
the patience in my eyes,
the reason for the laugh lines,
the seamstress who laced my loving hands

even on my weakest days when i swear i can drown in my own tears, you can bet your life that i will swim every time because you are my guide and you'd kick with tired legs across an ocean before you'd let something as weak as pain drag you underwater

i have no capacity for apathy,
no fear of what's in front of me
cause i was born from
a gentle warrior
who never let me wonder
how i'd make it through.
she always knew
exactly what to do
Morgan Apr 2016
it's a cold day in april
& you could say,
"the winds blew hard
this winter in the northeast,
at least it's not -10,"
but that won't make
the goose bumps on my thighs
any less uncomfortable

it's a bad day to be me
& you could say,
"the nights were dark
this winter in the northeast,
at least you got out of the hospital,"
but that won't make
the shaking in my hands
any less obvious

i miss the way he smelled
like smoke, laundry detergent, & shampoo
in the morning
& you could say
"he just wasn't ready,
he just wasn't here when you needed him,"
but that won't make needing him
any less pathetic

i could run off to the south,
spend the summer in states
i never cared to visit,
i could find a new interest
in shark teeth
& tanned skin
but that won't make
the scars left under my ribs
from years in the northeast
any less prominent

i could quit my job,
book a flight,
shut off my phone,
and just ******* go,
but no matter how far
away i take my body,
none of it will matter
if i can't convince
my mind to follow

i'm just so *******
sick of this east coast blood
between us,
this tri-state depression
i was raised to accept,
this tri-state depression
you were raised to accept

they say
"drain the toxins"
but when your entire being
is sculpted of them,
what's left when they're
all filtered out?

i'm afraid of starting over

i'm afraid of what you think of me

afraid there's a possibility
i am as ****** as you make me feel

afraid hell is not a physical place
that i can escape,
but a stagnant part of me,
like an ***** that grew
in under my skin

can i live without it?
Apr 2016 · 577
melbourne bound
Morgan Apr 2016
there's no such thing as
"the one that got away"
he was gone the whole time,
a ghost floating through
my bedroom walls,
and the passenger's seat
of my beat up little car

there's no such thing as
"skeletons in the closet"
they're always clawing at my feet,
telling their stories through my teeth

there's no time that heals wounds,
ive been waking up in pools of sweat
and the hour glass on my dresser
is sick and tired of doing flips

there's no way around this,
i'm caught in circles
and i'm getting sick

he said
"everything will be okay"
and nothing was

he said
"everything will be okay"
and nothing is

how much can a person
swallow before they drown?

my lungs are swimming
laps around my body,

i swear
i'm coughing up
the sea...
i swear
i'm coughing up
what little is left of me...

and don't tell me
about the light at the end
of the tunnel
and don't tell me
about the rainbow
after the rain
when my thighs are aching
from sprinting in the dark
and i'm cold to my bones
from living soaking wet

i won't do this again tonight
i'll find a home in a stranger's town
i won't do this again tonight
i refuse to stick around
Apr 2016 · 595
Empty Spaces
Morgan Apr 2016
The homeowner called up
to me as I danced across the attic floor,
"careful on the creaky boards."
But I didn't listen,

now I don't know where I am,
and everything is dark,

and I miss the way
your bedroom smelled
in the spring time,
with one window open,
and a fan blowing hot air
in from the kitchen.

I told you
I didn't wanna go back there,
and you asked where "there" was
and I said "I can't put my finger on it,
but I don't wanna go back"
and it made sense

even though it didn't.

I keep falling into these empty spaces,
void of fruit bowls & hands to hold.

I keep falling into these empty spaces,
where I can't walk a straight line
because there are only circles.

I keep falling into these empty spaces,
where mirrors refuse to turn away
& familiar voices are distorted
by the unique echoing of silence
when it overlaps silence.

Here I am,
on a bed of thorns
that hide their roses,
wanting desperately
to rip my thoughts from my skull,
scatter them like petals on the ground
and rearrange them...

Here I am,
timid hands,
wabbley knees
wanting desperately
to pick my body
from flesh to bone
til it's raw and naked
and ready to grow in different

I think that's why
they call rock bottom
the wake up call
you get when you need it...

I need it,
I need it,
I need it,

and if there's no foundation,
all that's left to do is build.

I'm ready to climb
out of these empty spaces.

Don't reach your calloused hands
out, palm up to catch my
shaking fingers.

Not this time.

I've gotta learn
where the bricks fit
for myself,
or else I'm always
gonna be leaning
in the wrong direction
Apr 2016 · 464
cling wrap
Morgan Apr 2016
some people are terrified
of how much they care,
and those are the people
who've never needed
a pill to sleep in the night,

i was never afraid of caring,
i take ambien just to
stop my racing mind from loving,

i care with my eyes closed
and my arms open,
and maybe that's why
i spend so much time
chain smoking with
shaky hands,

but i'd rather crawl
on my hands and knees,
bruised and beaten
by beating hearts,

than stand up straight
with protected skin
and nothing to say
Mar 2016 · 4.6k
cold hands, warm heart
Morgan Mar 2016
I'm rain
but not the kind of rain
people drink coffee and stare at
from studio apartment windows
and under pretty white gazebos ,

I'm rain
but not the kind of rain
that falls soft at first,
and then harder,
and then soft again,

I'm rain
but not the kind of rain
that smells sweet
and makes flowers grow
in the spring time,

I'm rain
but not the kind of rain
that collects in pretty puddles
in the pavement
so that toddlers in rubber boots
can jump in and splash
their parents,

I'm rain
but not the kind of rain
that lulls crying teenagers
to sleep in their warm beds
or makes lovers miss one an other,

I'm rain
but not the kind of rain
people watch and listen to
with gentle acceptance,

I'm the kind of rain
that falls fast and hard,

the kind of rain that is cold
and hurts sun burnt shoulders
when it hits them,

the kind of rain that washes
pretty chalk paintings off of
drive ways in suburbs
without a second thought,

the kind of rain that
seeps through ceiling tiles
turning cozy little homes into
chaotic whirlwinds of
anxiety and destruction,

the kind of rain that
makes your joints ache
and your eyes red,

the kind of rain that
gets the kids out of the pool
and sprinting inside,
cold, wet, and uncomfortable,

the kind of rain that
washes leafs into
your gutters,

you curse it all week long,

the kind of rain that
only wanted to touch the earth,

to feel some semblance of warmth,

but the kind of rain that
doesn't know how to
leave the thunder at home,

the kind of rain who
breaks the things
it loves,
no matter how
hard it tries to be
gentle...
Mar 2016 · 419
...
Morgan Mar 2016
...
(it's not the first impression that matters most, it's the last but the tragedy is that you know when you are with someone for the first time, you don't always know when it's the last.)
Mar 2016 · 452
Untitled
Morgan Mar 2016
i used to feel
like the solid ground
that's beneath the mud
or the grass,
or the snow.

always sturdy,
taking whatever
weather comes my way
& waiting for it to pass.
never changing who i was
based on what was happening to me.

well, lately
i am pollen,
or cigarette ashes,
or dead leafs,
being pulled
in a million
different directions,
seeing so much,
but not experiencing any of it.

it's like i'm here,
but i'm already gone

and i'm never positive
where it is that i'm going
or why i even continue to move.

i am powerless,
being pulled by external forces...

like my ex boyfriend
who said he'd keep in touch
but never ******* called

or my best friend
who leaves rehab
just to go back again.

i used to feel connected-
i was one with the space
that i occupied.

now the earth moves
and i bend.

the sun falls
and i trip.

the days wander passed
and i roam aimlessly
in the opposite direction.

i wanna be the ground,
i am sick of bending.

i wanna be the ground.

and at night,
i always catch myself
wondering if i'll
ever be safe again.

i wanna be the ground,
i am sick of roaming.

i wanna be the ground.

but i've been
uprooted to strange homes
too many times
to find my land.
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