a few weeks back an
acquaintance
of mine, and i were playing
hacky sack
with one of those mini bibles that they hand out
we were making jokes about how we were those
atheists
your parents warned you about

today i saw a guy i used to go to church with
he seemed well off and happy
and i found myself being happy for him
given his circumstances in the past few years

i'm not quite sure what made me start hating religion
it makes so many people happy
it gives so many people purpose
and i used to love this purpose giving
faith driven
machine
but now i find myself giving god the *******
and giving god a little g
and putting god on my shelf, collecting dust
just like that bible i used to hold dear.

maybe it was depression that made me start hating religion
that's what i always blame it on.
depression
that's a dangerous thing.
i've just noticed that my belief in a higher deity began to
deteriorate
as soon as i started getting sadder
it was almost synonymous
then when i started getting
happier
my beliefs continued to become less and less.

in church they always talked about the story of job
the man who had so much faith
that through all of the **** god put him through
he still remained faithful.
i remember one point in my life i tried explaining that to one of my
atheist
friends.
he told me he didn't understand
and that it was really ****** of god to do something like that.
i tried to explain it
but i found myself at a loss for words
he now attends church regularly and we don't
speak
anymore.

perhaps it was the feeling of rebellion that made it fade
it's difficult being raised in a religious household
so that the one moment when i tasted freedom from the
choking
restraints
my parents put on me
i couldn't get enough of it.
cause let's face it
sin is fun
and i haven't been able to stop ever since.

i'm happy when people are happy with religion
i was much happier with religion
but i can't find myself to go back to it
no matter how hard i try the idea of god
or some form of higher being
just doesn't give me the same
feeling
that it used to.
i wish i could say it did.
sorry, god.